We are concluding our Series on "Men WITH Women". Today's post is a continuation of yesterday's post. Yesterday, we covered HOW the traditional church actually encourages spouses to control mates as the solution to telling spouses HOW to be most intimate with their mate.
Basically, the spouse doesn't continually get to know their mate better. The spouse spends their time preventing their mate and others from getting to know each other better. We called this a "Right-Wrong" answer. It is a Right WHAT (be most intimate with your mate) with a Wrong HOW (limit your mate's ability to share with anyone else). Yesterday's post concluded in the following manner:
Instead, the Right-Wrong answer focuses on maintaining...which is believing in a finish line. For example, the husband knows the most about his wife. The husband then spends the majority of his effort preventing anyone else from getting to know his wife…and preventing his wife from getting to know anyone else! This actually encourages the husband to be LESS excellent! It is safe to be LESS excellent.
This is the IS Strategy:
1. Limit spouse’s interaction with people of the opposite sex.
2. Don’t attempt to get to know your spouse better.
3. Focus on requiring EFFECTS (Sex, respect, etc.) from your spouse
4. Continually look outside the marriage (hobbies, vacations, friends, etc.) for energy to continue this strategy.
Is God directing the husband to do this? No! This is a work of the flesh. God is NOT involved in this HOW/WHY at all. However, isn’t this the strategy that pastors and “Christian” authors teach? Again, this is idolatry!
Is the goal for marriages to be Profitable…for spouses to have an unlimited source of energy and spiritual value? OR is the goal to prevent people from making a mistake…for spouses to minimize their Unprofitability?
If the “Right-Right” solution were God’s Will, wouldn’t it be more effective at preventing sexual sin? HOW would the Right-Right solution do this?
Today, we will answer this question with the OUGHT Strategy...
CONTROL OR FREEDOM (PART II)
Here is the OUGHT progression for Marriage...
1. Progress from Interaction to Fellowship.
2. Remain at Fellowship for at least one year without touching
3. Touch as an Effect of sharing more Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually
4. Determine if both are mutually progressing to intercourse
5. Share EVERYTHING you are aware of
(This ensures a person is NOT committing idolatry and fornication when they get married because getting married without knowing your spouse intimately Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually is actually giving yourself to an image.)
6. Intercourse - Marriage Covenant
Before we continue, let’s identify the traditional stages couples progress through…
Notice, Step #6 is Marriage. That makes Step #4 Engagement! When the couple determines they are going to progress to Marriage, they have made a vow and their engagement period is spent sharing EVERYTHING.
“Dating” would be Steps 1-3. What is the non-contradictory definition of “dating”?
Dating is when two people get to know each other better and the Effect is they are mutually physically attracted to each other. There are two subtle points to this OUGHT Dating definition…
First, the CAUSE is two people getting to know each other better. The EFFECT is they are mutually physically attracted to each other. Unfortunately, our culture flips this…people are first mutually physically attracted to each other (CAUSE) and the EFFECT is that they get to know each other better.
Notice, getting to know each other better as a CAUSE makes the Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual the CAUSE…and the EFFECT is Physical. This is sustainable. There is NO finish line.
Our culture makes the Physical the CAUSE with the expectation that it will result in growth in the Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual. You see this when a male fantasizes about a famous beautiful woman. The thought goes something like this: “If I could be with Miss America (a beautiful woman), then I’d be Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually happy.”
One of the reasons marriages in our culture end in divorce is that they are doomed from the beginning…during the dating stage!
Everyone wants the same WHAT: intense emotions and physical attraction to ONE person of the opposite sex. Another way of stating this goal is “Sex with a fantasy mate.” This is a Right WHAT. The Right HOW/WHY is to make this goal an EFFECT. Focus on the Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual aspects so that the EFFECT is the person becomes the MOST Physically attractive person in the world!
However, the Wrong HOW/WHY is to make this goal a CAUSE: To focus on the Physical…to ONLY look for the perfect physical mate (or the one as close as possible to the perfect physical mate). When this is HOW dating is approached, the ONLY way to continually get MORE energy during the “dating” process is to focus on the Physical…to focus on touching. We called this "Groping Sex".
Notice, this OUGHT definition of dating involves “mutually physically attracted to each other”. It is possible to be attracted to people without it being physical. It is also possible to be physically attracted to someone who is not physically attracted to you. These cases don’t result in making touching a CAUSE. However, when two people are mutually physically attracted to each other, how they handle their mutual desire to touch becomes the critical issue.
When touching becomes the CAUSE, this is the definition of IS Dating. The touching will increase until it can’t increase any more (intercourse). Once these Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual bonds have occurred as an EFFECT of the Physical, the relationship is prevented from achieving Profitable because the aspects that could continue to grow indefinitely (Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual) are limited by the one aspect that is unable to grow indefinitely (Physical) and in reality is always going to decline overtime (with age)!
There are two ways to attempt to have Sex with your fantasy mate:
1. Make the Physical a CAUSE (Focus on the appearance of your mate).
2. Make the Physical an EFFECT (Focus on the Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual aspects of your mate).
Which one does the world do? Which one does God want you to do? Which one do you think is the Right HOW/WHY?
The second subtle point to the OUGHT Dating definition is: there are NO expectations in this non-contradictory definition of dating! There is nothing stating this arrangement is exclusive or that either person has control over the other. In fact, this is another reason marriages fail today…
When two people become attracted to each other, they get a high that is indescribable. The CAUSE is that each person knows the other person WANTS to be with them. This results in an exhilarating feeling. So what is our man-made response to this feeling? Try to control it!
We desire to have this feeling, so we attempt to require the other person to keep doing what they had WANTED and CHOSEN to previously do…and the second we put this control and expectation on the attraction, we actually drain the Profitability from the attraction! We now don’t know if the person actually WANTS to be with us or HAS to be with us. The ONLY way to maintain that indescribable high is to not put any expectations or control on each other.
Think about it: the minute these two people view Marriage as an expectation or a source of control, ANY attraction from someone outside the marriage results in a greater feeling than what is experienced within the marriage! That is WHY people commit sexual sin outside of their marriage! The traditional church's Right-Wrong (control) solution actually encourages sexual sin!
How many times have you heard of two people living together for years, only to get divorced shortly after they got married? Is the “fear of commitment” that some people feel ACTUALLY coming from God? Said another way, Is God ACTUALLY telling people NOT to REQUIRE commitment from each other?
What OUGHT to happen?
Tomorrow, we will conclude this Series by answering this question...