This month we are looking at HOW to become a man. (Here is a link to the beginning of this Series: Introduction.) This week, we have been looking at how to be a Father. Today's post will conclude this month's Series by looking at an interesting Doctrine concerning Sons, Fathers, and Grandfathers...
HOW TO BE A GRANDFATHER
Today's post will use God's Word to show God's Plan for how the roles of Son, Father, and Grandfather OUGHT to relate to each other. In order to better understand God's Perspective, let's first look at man's Perspective...
In the post titled, "Leadership: God or Kings?", we saw being ruled by kings was man's plan, not God's. The summary from that post stated:
God did NOT intend for us to be led by a king.
God did not intend for us to be led by a human.
God intended for us to be led by Him and today that is known as GRACE.
The king remained in control until the day he died. How would Sons, Fathers, and Grandfathers relate to each other?
Man's king doctrine would lead to Grandfather being the authority, Father waiting for Grandfather to die before he could be the authority, and the Son...well, doing nothing.
Notice, Grandfather is responsible for both leading and developing leaders. Both of these are full-time jobs. If the Grandfather leads, then the people will not have a developed leader once Grandfather dies. If Grandfather develops Father into a leader, then the people don't have a leader.
Is it any wonder that of the more than forty kings that ruled Israel and Judah, there were only less than a handful of "good" kings according to God's Word?
Remember, this was not God's Plan. This was man's plan. Again, read I Samuel 8 and/or the post titled, "Leadership: God or Kings?" if you are not convinced.
What is God's Plan?
After God led the Israelites out of Egypt, He set up His Plan. God wanted to directly lead the Israelites. The Israelites wanted God to lead them through Moses. This is different than a king. The people did not want to be led by Moses.
God stated the Levites would minister unto God and God would minister unto the people through Moses. At that time, males of the tribes other than the Levites who were twenty years old and older were available to serve in warfare. However, the males of the Levites had a different service...
"1 And Jehovah spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,
2 Take the sum of the sons of Kohath from among the sons of Levi, by their families, by their fathers' houses,
3 from thirty years old and upward even until fifty years old, all that enter upon the service, to do the work in the tent of meeting." (Numbers 4:1-3)
Eventually, during the time of David, this age was lowered to twenty years old.
"24 These were the sons of Levi after their fathers' houses, even the heads of the fathers' houses of those of them that were counted, in the number of names by their polls, who did the work for the service of the house of Jehovah, from twenty years old and upward." (I Chronicles 23:24)
However, in between these times, the age was set at twenty-five. As we saw in Numbers 4:1-3, those older than fifty were not in this service. Here is a passage that explained God's Plan more specifically:
"23 And Jehovah spake unto Moses, saying,
24 This is that which belongeth unto the Levites: from twenty and five years old and upward they shall go in to wait upon the service in the work of the tent of meeting:
25 and from the age of fifty years they shall cease waiting upon the work, and shall serve no more,
26 but shall minister with their brethren in the tent of meeting, to keep the charge, and shall do no service. Thus shalt thou do unto the Levites touching their charges." (Numbers 8:23-26)
In verse 24, the Hebrew meaning of "wait upon the service" is tsaba - "to amass an army of soldiers or servants". The imagery is that those who were serving God were in warfare. In fact, look at this same passage in The Amplified Bible:
"23 And the Lord said to Moses,
24 This is what applies to the Levites: from twenty-five years old and upward they shall go in to perform the work of the service of the Tent of Meeting,
25 And at the age of fifty years, they shall retire from the warfare of the service and serve no more,
26 But shall help their brethren in the Tent of Meeting [attend to protecting the sacred things from being profaned], but shall do no regular or heavy service. Thus shall you direct the Levites in regard to their duties."
Once a Levite reached fifty years old, the retired from the warfare of the service...yet they directed those who were in the warfare of service.
Basically, the Fathers were the leaders. The Grandfathers who were leaders stopped being leaders and focused on developing leaders...working with the Sons.
Look at these passages from The Psalms:
"18 Yea, even when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not, Until I have declared thy strength unto the next generation, Thy might to every one that is to come." (Psalm 71:18)
The Grandfather was focused on the youngest generation.
"1 Give ear, O my people, to my law: Incline your ears to the words of my mouth.
2 I will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings of old,
3 Which we have heard and known, And our fathers have told us.
4 We will not hide them from their children, Telling to the generation to come the praises of Jehovah, And his strength, and his wondrous works that he hath done.
5 For he established a testimony in Jacob, And appointed a law in Israel, Which he commanded our fathers, That they should make them known to their children;
6 That the generation to come might know them, even the children that should be born; Who should arise and tell them to their children,
7 That they might set their hope in God, And not forget the works of God, But keep his commandments,
8 And might not be as their fathers, A stubborn and rebellious generation, A generation that set not their heart aright, And whose spirit was not stedfast with God." (Psalm 78:1-8)
The focus of the Grandfather was to reach the youngest generation...even children that should be born.
One of the biggest proofs of this is with God the Father and Jesus the Son.
Some Muslims say Jesus can't be God because the Bible stated Jesus would lead everyone...and Jesus and God wouldn't share the throne. Think about it...does Jesus have to wait for God the Father to die before He can lead us?
Here are just three passages that show Jesus' is the Ultimate Leader.
Old Testament:
"6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
7 Of the increase of his government and of peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to establish it, and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of Jehovah of hosts will perform this." (Isaiah 9:6-7)
From Jesus' Mouth:
"36 Jesus answered, My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence." (John 18:36)
From prophecy about the future:
"15 And the seventh angel sounded; and there followed great voices in heaven, and they said, The kingdom of the world is become the kingdom of our Lord, and of his Christ: and he shall reign for ever and ever." (Revelation 11:15)
God's Plan was for males fifty years and older to focus on developing the youngest generation.
God's Plan was for Fathers to lead us.
This is love, leadership, and the very definition of masculinity.
Man's plan is for the male with tenure to retain authority until his death.
This is selfish and focused on the flesh.
Are we following God's Word or man's doctrine?
Are the circumstances we are surrounded by effects of God's Word or man's doctrine?
Do we understand what a Man, Husband, Father, and Grandfather OUGHT to be according to God's Word?
Is the issue that we don't know how to use God's Word?
Maybe we need to start much more basic than that: do we know the power of words?
How about even more basic than that? Do we know the meaning of the word word?
Next month, we are going to look at the meaning of word in God's Word.
Next Post
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
How To Be a Father: Summary
This month we are looking at HOW to become a man. (Here is a link to the beginning of this Series: Introduction.) This week, we have been looking at how to be a Father. Today's post will summarize what we've covered this week.
HOW TO BE A FATHER: SUMMARY
In order to summarize this week, I'd like to make you Aware of another Perspective on being a Father. Let's look at a passage from Ephesians 4 from the Perspective of a Father maturing a child into Adulthood:
"11 And he gave some to be apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;
12 for the perfecting of the saints, unto the work of ministering, unto the building up of the body of Christ:
13 till we all attain unto the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a fullgrown man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:
14 that we may be no longer children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, in craftiness, after the wiles of error;
15 but speaking truth in love, we may grow up in all things into him, who is the head, even Christ;
16 from whom all the body fitly framed and knit together through that which every joint supplieth, according to the working in due measure of each several part, maketh the increase of the body unto the building up of itself in love." (Ephesians 4:11-16)
God gave five ministerial gifts to help the Church mature into Adulthood. Likewise, Fathers OUGHT to fulfill all five ministerial roles. Here's a brief summary of each:
Apostles - They initiate the process and handle abuse well
Prophets - They identify issues with Discernment
Evangelists - They amplify the message out from its source
Pastors - They serve the church
Teachers - They mature the Believer
Now, let's look at this week's posts...
On Monday, we covered "How To Be a Father: Right and Just". This showed the Father as an Evangelist making his child Aware of God's Nature.
The main responsibility of a Father is to teach their child God's Nature...by example. God is always completley Right and always completely Just.
However, no Father is always completely Right and always completely Just.
This leads to two immediate effects for Fathers...
1. The Father needs to admit when He is not Right and not Just
2. The Father needs to realize his treatment of his child is an expression of his will for how he wants God to treat him.
If a Father wants to punish his children without warning, then he is telling God to punish him without warning.
-Would you want God to treat you the same way you treat your child?
On Tuesday, we covered, "How To Be a Father: Discipline". This showed the Father as Prophet.
Discipline is the process by which the Father initiates the Spiritual Maturity of the child.
Justice would state the Discipline OUGHT to be in response to the child's behavior. This means, if the child does something good, the child OUGHT to be affirmed. If the child does something bad, the child OUGHT to be punished.
Here are four key characteristics of a Father who is able to Discipline well:
1. The Father OUGHT to be present in the child's life.
2. The Father OUGHT to look for opportunities to tell the child he is proud of him/her.
3. The Father OUGHT to Discipline the child according to the child's actions regardless of the emotional state of the Father.
4. The Father OUGHT to be consistent in his Disciplining.
What would happen to a society if Fathers did the opposite of these four characteristics? That society would begin to believe God was not present, God was not a rewarder, God was selfish, and God was inconsistent.
On Wednesady, we covered "How To Be a Father: Causes". This showed the Father as Pastor and Teacher.
1. Fathers OUGHT to teach how to think.
2. Fathers OUGHT to give up control when they teach.
3. Fathers OUGHT to teach through Principles.
A society with godly Fathers would result in a culture that had a Biblical Perspective of God.
A society where Fathers did the opposite of these three characteristics would result in a culture that had an Abusive Perspective of God consistent with Calvinism.
On Thursday, we covered "How To Be a Father: Grace". This showed the Father as Apostle.
The most important lesson the Father OUGHT to teach the child is how to be directed by God. We've seen this is Biblical Grace.
1. Fathers OUGHT to turn up the heat on their children.
2. Fathers OUGHT to affirm the child when he/she takes direction from the Father.
A society where children are raised by Fathers who create a safe environment for their child to experience stress and affirm the child when he/she chooses to take direction from his/her Father in stressful times would exhibit godly behavior during stressful times.
A society where children are shielded from stress and Fathers demand affirmation for being smarter than their children would exhibit increasingly more destructive behavior as circumstances became more stressful.
There is one more issue to cover. This issue gets Abused by most "Christians": The role of Father as Provider. The verse that gets quoted against most Fathers is from I Timothy 5.
"8 But if any provideth not for his own, and specially his own household, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever."
Taken by itself, this verse can be used to state that if a Father doesn't pay for the best schools, toys, cars, etc. then the Father is not a Believer.
Notice, this would be equating the Physical with the Spiritual. Worse, it would be making the Physical a cause of the Spiritual. What exactly is the Father required to provide?
Sure enough, Paul gave the answer in the following chapter...
I Timothy 6
"1 Let as many as are servants under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honor, that the name of God and the doctrine be not blasphemed.
2 And they that have believing masters, let them not despise them, because they are brethren; but let them serve them the rather, because they that partake of the benefit are believing and beloved. These things teach and exhort.
3 If any man teacheth a different doctrine, and consenteth not to sound words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness;
4 he is puffed up, knowing nothing, but doting about questionings and disputes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings,
5 wranglings of men corrupted in mind and bereft of the truth, supposing that godliness is a way of gain."
(Paul stated people who state anything different than what Jesus taught are puffed up and know nothing. The ultimate effect is these people are corrupted in the mind and lacking the truth...to the point they believe godliness is a way of gaining physically...gaining in material things. The ultimate effect of teaching a doctrine different than God's is to believe the goal of godliness is physical wealth.)
"6 But godliness with contentment is great gain:"
(Paul gave the equation for "great gain". Great Gain = godliness + contentment. Paul stated godliness does not equal great physical gain. So, "great gain" is spiritual and physical...godliness and contentment. What physically makes up contentment?)
"7 for we brought nothing into the world, for neither can we carry anything out;
8 but having food and covering we shall be therewith content."
(Contentment = food and covering. Covering can be seen as clothing. Some may say it includes a physical place to stay...like a house or apartment. Do you remember this statement from Jesus? "20 And Jesus saith unto him, The foxes have holes, and the birds of the heaven have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head." (Matthew 8:20) Jesus had food and clothing...and nothing else.)
"9 But they that are minded to be rich fall into a temptation and a snare and many foolish and hurtful lusts, such as drown men in destruction and perdition.
10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil: which some reaching after have been led astray from the faith, and have pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
11 But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness.
12 Fight the good fight of the faith, lay hold on the life eternal, whereunto thou wast called, and didst confess the good confession in the sight of many witnesses."
Paul concluded this section by stating those who are minded to be rich...minded to have more than food and clothing fall into a temptation and a snare and many foolish and hurtful lusts. In fact, we've seen that every example of Offensive Spiritual Warfare in the Bible was done by someone who was poor.
Making the physical pre-eminent is the same as teaching a doctrine different than God's Doctrine.
A Father OUGHT to provide food and clothing. Requiring a Father to provide more than this is a worldly focus according to Paul.
On Monday, we will conclude this Series by looking at an interesting Doctrine concerning Sons, Fathers, and Grandfathers...
Next Post
HOW TO BE A FATHER: SUMMARY
In order to summarize this week, I'd like to make you Aware of another Perspective on being a Father. Let's look at a passage from Ephesians 4 from the Perspective of a Father maturing a child into Adulthood:
"11 And he gave some to be apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;
12 for the perfecting of the saints, unto the work of ministering, unto the building up of the body of Christ:
13 till we all attain unto the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a fullgrown man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:
14 that we may be no longer children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, in craftiness, after the wiles of error;
15 but speaking truth in love, we may grow up in all things into him, who is the head, even Christ;
16 from whom all the body fitly framed and knit together through that which every joint supplieth, according to the working in due measure of each several part, maketh the increase of the body unto the building up of itself in love." (Ephesians 4:11-16)
God gave five ministerial gifts to help the Church mature into Adulthood. Likewise, Fathers OUGHT to fulfill all five ministerial roles. Here's a brief summary of each:
Apostles - They initiate the process and handle abuse well
Prophets - They identify issues with Discernment
Evangelists - They amplify the message out from its source
Pastors - They serve the church
Teachers - They mature the Believer
Now, let's look at this week's posts...
On Monday, we covered "How To Be a Father: Right and Just". This showed the Father as an Evangelist making his child Aware of God's Nature.
The main responsibility of a Father is to teach their child God's Nature...by example. God is always completley Right and always completely Just.
However, no Father is always completely Right and always completely Just.
This leads to two immediate effects for Fathers...
1. The Father needs to admit when He is not Right and not Just
2. The Father needs to realize his treatment of his child is an expression of his will for how he wants God to treat him.
If a Father wants to punish his children without warning, then he is telling God to punish him without warning.
-Would you want God to treat you the same way you treat your child?
On Tuesday, we covered, "How To Be a Father: Discipline". This showed the Father as Prophet.
Discipline is the process by which the Father initiates the Spiritual Maturity of the child.
Justice would state the Discipline OUGHT to be in response to the child's behavior. This means, if the child does something good, the child OUGHT to be affirmed. If the child does something bad, the child OUGHT to be punished.
Here are four key characteristics of a Father who is able to Discipline well:
1. The Father OUGHT to be present in the child's life.
2. The Father OUGHT to look for opportunities to tell the child he is proud of him/her.
3. The Father OUGHT to Discipline the child according to the child's actions regardless of the emotional state of the Father.
4. The Father OUGHT to be consistent in his Disciplining.
What would happen to a society if Fathers did the opposite of these four characteristics? That society would begin to believe God was not present, God was not a rewarder, God was selfish, and God was inconsistent.
On Wednesady, we covered "How To Be a Father: Causes". This showed the Father as Pastor and Teacher.
1. Fathers OUGHT to teach how to think.
2. Fathers OUGHT to give up control when they teach.
3. Fathers OUGHT to teach through Principles.
A society with godly Fathers would result in a culture that had a Biblical Perspective of God.
A society where Fathers did the opposite of these three characteristics would result in a culture that had an Abusive Perspective of God consistent with Calvinism.
On Thursday, we covered "How To Be a Father: Grace". This showed the Father as Apostle.
The most important lesson the Father OUGHT to teach the child is how to be directed by God. We've seen this is Biblical Grace.
1. Fathers OUGHT to turn up the heat on their children.
2. Fathers OUGHT to affirm the child when he/she takes direction from the Father.
A society where children are raised by Fathers who create a safe environment for their child to experience stress and affirm the child when he/she chooses to take direction from his/her Father in stressful times would exhibit godly behavior during stressful times.
A society where children are shielded from stress and Fathers demand affirmation for being smarter than their children would exhibit increasingly more destructive behavior as circumstances became more stressful.
There is one more issue to cover. This issue gets Abused by most "Christians": The role of Father as Provider. The verse that gets quoted against most Fathers is from I Timothy 5.
"8 But if any provideth not for his own, and specially his own household, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever."
Taken by itself, this verse can be used to state that if a Father doesn't pay for the best schools, toys, cars, etc. then the Father is not a Believer.
Notice, this would be equating the Physical with the Spiritual. Worse, it would be making the Physical a cause of the Spiritual. What exactly is the Father required to provide?
Sure enough, Paul gave the answer in the following chapter...
I Timothy 6
"1 Let as many as are servants under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honor, that the name of God and the doctrine be not blasphemed.
2 And they that have believing masters, let them not despise them, because they are brethren; but let them serve them the rather, because they that partake of the benefit are believing and beloved. These things teach and exhort.
3 If any man teacheth a different doctrine, and consenteth not to sound words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness;
4 he is puffed up, knowing nothing, but doting about questionings and disputes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings,
5 wranglings of men corrupted in mind and bereft of the truth, supposing that godliness is a way of gain."
(Paul stated people who state anything different than what Jesus taught are puffed up and know nothing. The ultimate effect is these people are corrupted in the mind and lacking the truth...to the point they believe godliness is a way of gaining physically...gaining in material things. The ultimate effect of teaching a doctrine different than God's is to believe the goal of godliness is physical wealth.)
"6 But godliness with contentment is great gain:"
(Paul gave the equation for "great gain". Great Gain = godliness + contentment. Paul stated godliness does not equal great physical gain. So, "great gain" is spiritual and physical...godliness and contentment. What physically makes up contentment?)
"7 for we brought nothing into the world, for neither can we carry anything out;
8 but having food and covering we shall be therewith content."
(Contentment = food and covering. Covering can be seen as clothing. Some may say it includes a physical place to stay...like a house or apartment. Do you remember this statement from Jesus? "20 And Jesus saith unto him, The foxes have holes, and the birds of the heaven have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head." (Matthew 8:20) Jesus had food and clothing...and nothing else.)
"9 But they that are minded to be rich fall into a temptation and a snare and many foolish and hurtful lusts, such as drown men in destruction and perdition.
10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil: which some reaching after have been led astray from the faith, and have pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
11 But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness.
12 Fight the good fight of the faith, lay hold on the life eternal, whereunto thou wast called, and didst confess the good confession in the sight of many witnesses."
Paul concluded this section by stating those who are minded to be rich...minded to have more than food and clothing fall into a temptation and a snare and many foolish and hurtful lusts. In fact, we've seen that every example of Offensive Spiritual Warfare in the Bible was done by someone who was poor.
Making the physical pre-eminent is the same as teaching a doctrine different than God's Doctrine.
A Father OUGHT to provide food and clothing. Requiring a Father to provide more than this is a worldly focus according to Paul.
On Monday, we will conclude this Series by looking at an interesting Doctrine concerning Sons, Fathers, and Grandfathers...
Next Post
Thursday, February 24, 2011
How To Be a Father: Grace
This month we are looking at HOW to become a man. (Here is a link to the beginning of this Series: Introduction.) The previous post looked at giving Good causes to children. Here is the summary:
1. Fathers OUGHT to teach how to think.
2. Fathers OUGHT to give up control when they teach.
3. Fathers OUGHT to teach through Principles.
A society with godly Fathers would result in a culture that had a Biblical Perspective of God.
A society where Fathers did the opposite of these three characteristics would result in a culture that had an Abusive Perspective of God consistent with Calvinism.
Today, we will look at another attribute of Fathers...
HOW TO BE A FATHER: GRACE
We have seen the child's first Perspective of God comes from his/her Perspective of his/her Father. The Father OUGHT to be an example of God for the child. The most important lesson the Father OUGHT to teach the child is how to be directed by God. We've seen this is Biblical Grace.
"8 for by grace have ye been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;
9 not of works, that no man should glory." (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Salvation is by grace through faith. We've covered how the Father grows the child's faith in God in the post titled, "How To Be a Father: Discipline". Let's look at Grace...
NOTE: If you have any issue with the brief excerpt that follows, please read the entire section of Modeling God's Wills titled "Grace".
The apostles' doctrine of grace can be attained through the definition of the Greek word "charis". Every time the word "grace" occurs in the King James version of the New Testament, the word is "charis"...with one exception: James 1:11 uses the word "grace" and it actually comes from "2143 euprepeia".
Let me be clear...the Greek word "charis" has many meanings depending on usage. In some cases it is translated into English as "thank", "favor", and "gift". Where it has been translated into "grace" by people who are the experts at language, etc., its definition is:
CHARIS, 5485 "the divine influence upon the heart, and its reflection in the life" (Strong's Concordance)
In “Modeling God” we saw this is the only non-contradictory definition that fits all the verses containing "charis" translated as "grace"!
God works through us, and our only responsibility is to humble ourselves and choose to allow God to work through us!
Remember the medicine analogy? Grace is like medicine. The medicine cures us. However we are responsible for choosing to take the medicine. When we choose to take the medicine how ridiculous would it sound to claim, "I healed myself!" No, the medicine healed us. We can't take credit for the healing, but we are responsible for it.
However, the current definition of grace used by most pastors and teachers is "unmerited favor". This definition was given to the church by Martin Luther roughly 500 years ago. This definition was not a part of the apostles' doctrine. This doctrine of "unmerited favor" is not God's doctrine, it is man-made tradition...and therefore contradictory.
Some people claim that Aristotle defined "charis" as "unmerited favor". However, this is Aristotle's actual definition: "that which is freely bestowed with no expectation of return; an act which finds its only motive in the good heartedness of the giver".
Notice anything? This is actually "love". This definition doesn't fit the apostles' doctrine of "grace", it would lead to contradictions in several other applications of "grace"...but it fits Jesus' and the apostles' doctrine of "love".
We will see below that people take the definition of "love" and use it for "grace"...then they have a contradictory definition of "love" or claim (like a pastor in Tennessee told me on Steve Camp's blog) love can’t be defined. That's why the earlier section on “The OUGHT Church” was revelatory: it is the only explanation that combines faith, grace, love, and Jesus' First and Second Commandments. How many contradictory answers will it take before people pursue the truth?
Let me be clear about this: Aristotle's definition gives the cause (WHY) of the value as the good heartedness of the giver. Luther gives the cause (WHY) of the value as "our need". Luther changed the cause of the giving of the value. It is a subtle point that has huge ramifications.
I believe God loves everyone...God gives to everyone out of the kindness of His heart...whether we need it or not. I believe God influences everyone's heart and it is our choice to let it reflect in our life or not.
Calvinism believes that God's love (can't define) and grace (unmerited favor) are only given to those who will go to Heaven (the “elect”) because they need it...and there is nothing the person going to Heaven can do about it...the Salvation of the individual is completely out of the control of the individual. The Calvinistic explanation of the HOW and the WHY of Salvation (WHAT) is Wrong. Calvinism is “Right-Wrong” which means it is Wrong.
It is sad to argue this point with modern day Pharisees...the lengths they will go to in order to hold to a 500 year old tradition! For the last ten or more years, I have challenged pastors, teachers, and theologians to show me how interpreting Ephesians 2:8-9 results in “unmerited favor” without bringing in man-made tradition. No one has been able to do it.
If that explanation was too theoretical, here is an excerpt (with a link) from a post titled, "Strongholds: The Enemy (Mind)" that gave a more visual explanation:
One of my favorite ways to explain grace is to reference the scene in The Matix where Morpheus mails Neo a phone. Here is a link to the scene: Neo being led by Morpheus.
In this example, Morpheus represents the Holy Spirit. Neo takes complete direction from Morpheus. Morpheus leads Neo into all truth and shows what will come. Morpheus constantly gives a HOW/WHY for every WHAT that he states. Everything that Morpheus says is uncomfortable to Neo. Neo doesn't have to add anything of himself to each direction. The directions are teaching him. Eventually, the final decision is Neo's to make...it is his responsibility. When he loses the phone, he loses his faith...and then he makes a Statement of unbelief ("I can't do this")...and the actions follow just as Morpheus stated.
We are not the source of our Salvation. God is the source.
We are responsible for our Salvation. God is not responsible.
Humanism believes we are the source of and responsible for our Salvation.
Calvinism believes God is the source of and responsible for our Salvation.
The Bible consistently stated God is the source of, and we are responsible for, our Salvation.
Let's apply this to Fathers and children...
One of the measures I use for maturity is whether a person will act on an idea they didn't come up with. The immature person believes they shouldn't take actions that weren't his idea. The immature person wants to prove his independence.
However, the truly mature person pursues interdependence...community. The mature person understands he is a part of the body and his decisions affect others. The mature person understands his responsibility is the decision he makes, not where the idea came from.
If a person believes he must come up with all his own ideas, then that person will never act in Grace. That person will never take direction from God...and that person will never be saved. He is making Salvation a work...
We've seen the child can be led by Understanding or Experience. Grace is Understanding. Grace is direction from another (God, Father, Friends, etc.). This is why the Bible stated:
"11 For the grace of God hath appeared, bringing salvation to all men,
12 instructing us, to the intent that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly and righteously and godly in this present world;" (Titus 2:11-12)
Grace instructs us.
"29 Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for edifying as the need may be, that it may give grace to them that hear." (Ephesians 4:29)
We can give grace to each other.
We've seen learning from Experience involves people learning from their mistakes. However, we've also seen that God allows for tests and trials to occur to us in order for us to be led by grace. Basically, God uses our circumstances to encourage us to be led by the Holy Spirit...God uses Experience to motivate us to learn by Understanding.
The uncomfortable circumstance is God's way of making us Aware of our flaw.
Grace is God's way of giving us another Perspective.
We've seen, it is impossible for an individual to change their Unprofitable behavior without being Aware of the issue and being able to see another Perspective. People who live in denial and are close-minded (can only see their own Perspective) are in pride...which prevents Salvation by grace:
"5 Or think ye that the scripture speaketh in vain? Doth the spirit which he made to dwell in us long unto envying?
6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore the scripture saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace to the humble.
7 Be subject therefore unto God; but resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye doubleminded." (James 4:5-8)
We've seen this was the main difference between Solomon and Daniel (and his friends). Both had Ultimate Understanding from God. However, Solomon never experienced a bad circumstance (punishment). Yet, Daniel's friends went through a literal "trial by fire".
What does this mean for Fathers?
1. Fathers OUGHT to turn up the heat on their children.
The child is going to Experience stressful circumstances. The child will either Experience the stressful circumstance while the Father is present or absent. Which is better for the child?
A Father who shields his children from stress is handicapping his children. He is making sure they will be unable to handle themselves well once they leave the Father's house.
Not only should Fathers be present during stressful situations, the Father OUGHT to encourage stressful situations while he is present. Basically, the Father OUGHT to create a safe environment for the child to Experience stress so he can Understand how the child thinks...and teach the child how to take direction from the Father during stressful times...which is Biblical grace.
2. Fathers OUGHT to affirm the child when he/she takes direction from the Father.
Unfortunately, most Fathers look for affirmation when their children take their advice. Most Fathers want the child to say, "You were right". This is affirming the wrong person and the wrong action.
The child OUGHT to be affirmed.
The child's decision to take direction from one who is greater OUGHT to be the action that is affirmed.
Unfortunately, Calvinism believes our decision to take direction from God shouldn't be affirmed because, once again, God is a manipulative Father who is in complete control of our circumstances and our responses.
SUMMARY
The most important lesson the Father OUGHT to teach the child is how to be directed by God. We've seen this is Biblical Grace.
1. Fathers OUGHT to turn up the heat on their children.
2. Fathers OUGHT to affirm the child when he/she takes direction from the Father.
A society where children are raised by Fathers who create a safe environment for their child to experience stress and affirm the child when he/she chooses to take direction from his/her Father in stressful times would exhibit godly behavior during stressful times.
A society where children are shielded from stress and Fathers demand affirmation for being smarter than their children would exhibit increasingly more destructive behavior as circumstances became more stressful.
Tomorrow, we will summarize our look at how to be a Father...
Next Post
1. Fathers OUGHT to teach how to think.
2. Fathers OUGHT to give up control when they teach.
3. Fathers OUGHT to teach through Principles.
A society with godly Fathers would result in a culture that had a Biblical Perspective of God.
A society where Fathers did the opposite of these three characteristics would result in a culture that had an Abusive Perspective of God consistent with Calvinism.
Today, we will look at another attribute of Fathers...
HOW TO BE A FATHER: GRACE
We have seen the child's first Perspective of God comes from his/her Perspective of his/her Father. The Father OUGHT to be an example of God for the child. The most important lesson the Father OUGHT to teach the child is how to be directed by God. We've seen this is Biblical Grace.
"8 for by grace have ye been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;
9 not of works, that no man should glory." (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Salvation is by grace through faith. We've covered how the Father grows the child's faith in God in the post titled, "How To Be a Father: Discipline". Let's look at Grace...
NOTE: If you have any issue with the brief excerpt that follows, please read the entire section of Modeling God's Wills titled "Grace".
The apostles' doctrine of grace can be attained through the definition of the Greek word "charis". Every time the word "grace" occurs in the King James version of the New Testament, the word is "charis"...with one exception: James 1:11 uses the word "grace" and it actually comes from "2143 euprepeia".
Let me be clear...the Greek word "charis" has many meanings depending on usage. In some cases it is translated into English as "thank", "favor", and "gift". Where it has been translated into "grace" by people who are the experts at language, etc., its definition is:
CHARIS, 5485 "the divine influence upon the heart, and its reflection in the life" (Strong's Concordance)
In “Modeling God” we saw this is the only non-contradictory definition that fits all the verses containing "charis" translated as "grace"!
God works through us, and our only responsibility is to humble ourselves and choose to allow God to work through us!
Remember the medicine analogy? Grace is like medicine. The medicine cures us. However we are responsible for choosing to take the medicine. When we choose to take the medicine how ridiculous would it sound to claim, "I healed myself!" No, the medicine healed us. We can't take credit for the healing, but we are responsible for it.
However, the current definition of grace used by most pastors and teachers is "unmerited favor". This definition was given to the church by Martin Luther roughly 500 years ago. This definition was not a part of the apostles' doctrine. This doctrine of "unmerited favor" is not God's doctrine, it is man-made tradition...and therefore contradictory.
Some people claim that Aristotle defined "charis" as "unmerited favor". However, this is Aristotle's actual definition: "that which is freely bestowed with no expectation of return; an act which finds its only motive in the good heartedness of the giver".
Notice anything? This is actually "love". This definition doesn't fit the apostles' doctrine of "grace", it would lead to contradictions in several other applications of "grace"...but it fits Jesus' and the apostles' doctrine of "love".
We will see below that people take the definition of "love" and use it for "grace"...then they have a contradictory definition of "love" or claim (like a pastor in Tennessee told me on Steve Camp's blog) love can’t be defined. That's why the earlier section on “The OUGHT Church” was revelatory: it is the only explanation that combines faith, grace, love, and Jesus' First and Second Commandments. How many contradictory answers will it take before people pursue the truth?
Let me be clear about this: Aristotle's definition gives the cause (WHY) of the value as the good heartedness of the giver. Luther gives the cause (WHY) of the value as "our need". Luther changed the cause of the giving of the value. It is a subtle point that has huge ramifications.
I believe God loves everyone...God gives to everyone out of the kindness of His heart...whether we need it or not. I believe God influences everyone's heart and it is our choice to let it reflect in our life or not.
Calvinism believes that God's love (can't define) and grace (unmerited favor) are only given to those who will go to Heaven (the “elect”) because they need it...and there is nothing the person going to Heaven can do about it...the Salvation of the individual is completely out of the control of the individual. The Calvinistic explanation of the HOW and the WHY of Salvation (WHAT) is Wrong. Calvinism is “Right-Wrong” which means it is Wrong.
It is sad to argue this point with modern day Pharisees...the lengths they will go to in order to hold to a 500 year old tradition! For the last ten or more years, I have challenged pastors, teachers, and theologians to show me how interpreting Ephesians 2:8-9 results in “unmerited favor” without bringing in man-made tradition. No one has been able to do it.
If that explanation was too theoretical, here is an excerpt (with a link) from a post titled, "Strongholds: The Enemy (Mind)" that gave a more visual explanation:
One of my favorite ways to explain grace is to reference the scene in The Matix where Morpheus mails Neo a phone. Here is a link to the scene: Neo being led by Morpheus.
In this example, Morpheus represents the Holy Spirit. Neo takes complete direction from Morpheus. Morpheus leads Neo into all truth and shows what will come. Morpheus constantly gives a HOW/WHY for every WHAT that he states. Everything that Morpheus says is uncomfortable to Neo. Neo doesn't have to add anything of himself to each direction. The directions are teaching him. Eventually, the final decision is Neo's to make...it is his responsibility. When he loses the phone, he loses his faith...and then he makes a Statement of unbelief ("I can't do this")...and the actions follow just as Morpheus stated.
We are not the source of our Salvation. God is the source.
We are responsible for our Salvation. God is not responsible.
Humanism believes we are the source of and responsible for our Salvation.
Calvinism believes God is the source of and responsible for our Salvation.
The Bible consistently stated God is the source of, and we are responsible for, our Salvation.
Let's apply this to Fathers and children...
One of the measures I use for maturity is whether a person will act on an idea they didn't come up with. The immature person believes they shouldn't take actions that weren't his idea. The immature person wants to prove his independence.
However, the truly mature person pursues interdependence...community. The mature person understands he is a part of the body and his decisions affect others. The mature person understands his responsibility is the decision he makes, not where the idea came from.
If a person believes he must come up with all his own ideas, then that person will never act in Grace. That person will never take direction from God...and that person will never be saved. He is making Salvation a work...
We've seen the child can be led by Understanding or Experience. Grace is Understanding. Grace is direction from another (God, Father, Friends, etc.). This is why the Bible stated:
"11 For the grace of God hath appeared, bringing salvation to all men,
12 instructing us, to the intent that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly and righteously and godly in this present world;" (Titus 2:11-12)
Grace instructs us.
"29 Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for edifying as the need may be, that it may give grace to them that hear." (Ephesians 4:29)
We can give grace to each other.
We've seen learning from Experience involves people learning from their mistakes. However, we've also seen that God allows for tests and trials to occur to us in order for us to be led by grace. Basically, God uses our circumstances to encourage us to be led by the Holy Spirit...God uses Experience to motivate us to learn by Understanding.
The uncomfortable circumstance is God's way of making us Aware of our flaw.
Grace is God's way of giving us another Perspective.
We've seen, it is impossible for an individual to change their Unprofitable behavior without being Aware of the issue and being able to see another Perspective. People who live in denial and are close-minded (can only see their own Perspective) are in pride...which prevents Salvation by grace:
"5 Or think ye that the scripture speaketh in vain? Doth the spirit which he made to dwell in us long unto envying?
6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore the scripture saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace to the humble.
7 Be subject therefore unto God; but resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye doubleminded." (James 4:5-8)
We've seen this was the main difference between Solomon and Daniel (and his friends). Both had Ultimate Understanding from God. However, Solomon never experienced a bad circumstance (punishment). Yet, Daniel's friends went through a literal "trial by fire".
What does this mean for Fathers?
1. Fathers OUGHT to turn up the heat on their children.
The child is going to Experience stressful circumstances. The child will either Experience the stressful circumstance while the Father is present or absent. Which is better for the child?
A Father who shields his children from stress is handicapping his children. He is making sure they will be unable to handle themselves well once they leave the Father's house.
Not only should Fathers be present during stressful situations, the Father OUGHT to encourage stressful situations while he is present. Basically, the Father OUGHT to create a safe environment for the child to Experience stress so he can Understand how the child thinks...and teach the child how to take direction from the Father during stressful times...which is Biblical grace.
2. Fathers OUGHT to affirm the child when he/she takes direction from the Father.
Unfortunately, most Fathers look for affirmation when their children take their advice. Most Fathers want the child to say, "You were right". This is affirming the wrong person and the wrong action.
The child OUGHT to be affirmed.
The child's decision to take direction from one who is greater OUGHT to be the action that is affirmed.
Unfortunately, Calvinism believes our decision to take direction from God shouldn't be affirmed because, once again, God is a manipulative Father who is in complete control of our circumstances and our responses.
SUMMARY
The most important lesson the Father OUGHT to teach the child is how to be directed by God. We've seen this is Biblical Grace.
1. Fathers OUGHT to turn up the heat on their children.
2. Fathers OUGHT to affirm the child when he/she takes direction from the Father.
A society where children are raised by Fathers who create a safe environment for their child to experience stress and affirm the child when he/she chooses to take direction from his/her Father in stressful times would exhibit godly behavior during stressful times.
A society where children are shielded from stress and Fathers demand affirmation for being smarter than their children would exhibit increasingly more destructive behavior as circumstances became more stressful.
Tomorrow, we will summarize our look at how to be a Father...
Next Post
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
How To Be a Father: Causes
This month we are looking at HOW to become a man. (Here is a link to the beginning of this Series: Introduction.) The previous post looked at Disciplining children. Here is the summary:
Discipline is the process by which the Father initiates the Spiritual Maturity of the child.
Justice would state the Discipline OUGHT to be in response to the child's behavior. This means, if the child does something good, the child OUGHT to be affirmed. If the child does something bad, the child OUGHT to be punished.
Here are four key characteristics of a Father who is able to Discipline well:
1. The Father OUGHT to be present in the child's life.
2. The Father OUGHT to look for opportunities to tell the child he is proud of him/her.
3. The Father OUGHT to Discipline the child according to the child's actions regardless of the emotional state of the Father.
4. The Father OUGHT to be consistent in his Disciplining.
What would happen to a society if Fathers did the opposite of these four characteristics? That society would begin to believe God was not present, God was not a rewarder, God was selfish, and God was inconsistent.
Today, we will look at another key attribute of a Father...
HOW TO BE A FATHER: CAUSES
One of the biggest abilities that a Father OUGHT to teach his children is HOW to think. This is different than WHAT to think. Look at these scriptures:
"1 The proverbs of Solomon the son of David, king of Israel:
2 To know wisdom and instruction; To discern the words of understanding;
3 To receive instruction in wise dealing, In righteousness and justice and equity;
4 To give prudence to the simple, To the young man knowledge and discretion:
5 That the wise man may hear, and increase in learning; And that the man of understanding may attain unto sound counsels:
6 To understand a proverb, and a figure, The words of the wise, and their dark sayings.
7 The fear of Jehovah is the beginning of knowledge; But the foolish despise wisdom and instruction.
8 My son, hear the instruction of thy father, And forsake not the law of thy mother:
9 For they shall be a chaplet of grace unto thy head, And chains about thy neck." (Proverbs 1:1-9)
Notice, the Father instructs according to righteousness and justice in order that the child has wisdom and understanding. The Mother teaches a law, which is knowledge. Is there a difference between wisdom, understanding, and knowledge?
"7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom; Yea, with all thy getting get understanding." (Proverbs 4:7)
"1 Now concerning things sacrificed to idols: We know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffeth up, but love edifieth." (I Corinthians 8:1)
Wisdom is the principal thing. The Bible said the most important thing is to get wisdom...and with all your getting get understanding. However, we all have knowledge...and knowledge puffs us up.
We've seen the difference between wisdom, understanding, and knowledge in a post titled, "Solomon: Proverbs":
Knowledge is the ability to know facts. Someone who has a lot of knowledge knows a high number of facts. An example is to know how a car works.
Understanding is the ability to take facts (knowledge) from several areas and fit them together to create a higher knowledge. Understanding creates knowledge. Understanding is like modeling because it identifies the implications and the likelihood of possible occurrences.
For instance, if I have knowledge of friction and the physics of bodies in motion, and weather effects in addition to the knowledge of how a car works, I can make a prediction. For example, if I accelerated a car towards a brick wall, I could calculate the distance from the wall I would have to slam my brakes in order to get within six inches of the wall without hitting it.
Wisdom is shown in our decisions (actions). Wisdom is proven by profitability. Someone who has wisdom makes profitable choices in the Long Term. Someone who lacks wisdom makes unprofitable choices, even though they look profitable in the short-term. In the above example, wisdom says, “Why accelerate a car towards a brick wall?” Wisdom would be shown when we don’t do it.
Proverbs says wisdom is the principle thing (Proverbs 4:7). It also says we are supposed to get wisdom and understanding. Now we can see why wisdom is principle and understanding follows closely behind. We are supposed to be profitable and wisdom is what drives our profitability. In addition, it is hard to have wisdom when we don’t understand the implications.
Knowledge is the WHAT.
Understanding is the WHY.
Wisdom is the HOW.
1. Fathers OUGHT to teach how to think.
The only way to teach how to think is to be able to supply the reason behind the what...to supply the why. The why is the cause and the what is the effect.
Again, the Father OUGHT to be about the causes. Consequently, teaching the HOW/WHY requires the Father to give up control. Remember, the quality of the cause is measured by the amount of control that is given up by the cause giver.
2. Fathers OUGHT to give up control when they teach.
There are three types of causes that can be given: Statement, Question, and Tangible Gift. We saw the way to measure these causes in the post titled, "How To Become a Man: Causes":
1) Statement
-A good (OUGHT) cause would be a FACT.
-A not bad cause would be an opinion.
-A bad (IS) cause would be a projection or judgment.
Notice: A BAD cause is Abuse.
2) Question
-A good (OUGHT) cause would be an open-ended question.
-A not bad cause would be a limiting question.
-A bad (IS) question would include a projection and/or judgment.
Notice: A BAD cause is Abuse.
3) Tangible Gift
-A good (OUGHT) cause would be something with which the receiver could create. (The ultimate example would be a value to who they ARE.)
-A not bad cause would limit what the person could create.
-A bad (IS) cause would be something they do not value, something YOU would gain from in the short-term, and/or something they cannot create with.
Notice: A BAD cause is Abuse.
There is a fourth cause. It is the Worst Cause and can hide behind any cause from Good to Bad.
The Worst Cause - Ignoring the answer and telling the person you really know what is their real answer. For instance, you could ask someone what is their favorite color and even though they say "yellow", you are convinced it is blue.
This cause is Deception (because it poses to be something else) and Abuse (because it projects/judges the person against his/her will).
We also saw during last year's Series that Jesus was a Rabbi. We saw that Rabbi's taught with Questions. We've also seen that God began interacting with humans by only asking Questions.
Questions give control to the student. The student must come up with their own answer...which they own. This is the ultimate way to teach HOW/WHY to think.
Telling the student WHAT to learn is requiring the student to adopt your answers.
The ultimate difference between these two methods can be summarized by looking at the difference between Laws and Principles:
LAWS
Every law takes the same general form:
Don't DO (stated action) or you will be punished (specfic way).
-A Law denies uniqueness. It views everyone the same.
-A Law is focused on effects (actions).
-A Law can only punish. A Law does not promise a benefit if it is followed.
(Not being fined or not going to jail is not a benefit...the individual wasn't paying a fine or going to jail before he chose not to break the law. For a law to provide a benefit it would have to be written: If you don't DO (specific action) then the government will pay you (specfic amount of money). I don't know of any law like this.)
PRINCIPLES
Every principle takes the same general form:
Strive for (stated objective) and you will get (specfic benefit).
-A Principle relies on uniqueness. It doesn't focus on preventing actions.
-A Principle is focused on objectives and benefits. There are no "Don'ts" in a principle.
-A Principle can only provide a benefit.
Within the Ten Commandments, there is ONE Principle. Do you know which one?
Nine of the Ten Commandments focus on what NOT to DO. Even keeping the Sabbath has a list of activities the people CANNOT DO.
The only principle is "Honor thy father and mother..."
Notice, the Commandment does not say HOW to honor your Father and Mother. WHY? Because each Father and Mother feel honored in different ways. If the Commandment had stated to honor your Father and Mother by buying them a specific gift, how would the poor be able to honor their Father and Mother? What if the specific gift was something your Father or Mother didn't value?
But that wasn't the entire Commandment. Look at the end of the Commandment...
"16 Honor thy father and thy mother, as Jehovah thy God commanded thee; that thy days may be long, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which Jehovah thy God giveth thee." (Deuteronomy 5:16)
The benefit for honoring thy Father and Mother is long life.
3. Fathers OUGHT to teach through Principles.
Once again, all of what we've seen in this post proves the importance of Words. A Father OUGHT to be a master with Words. A Father OUGHT to teach his children how to think by giving up control (through providing Good causes) and motivating the children through Principles.
What is the opposite of this?
A Father that teaches his children what to think by exerting controls (through Abuse) and motivating the children through laws.
Let's take the case of a Father telling his child what to do and the child asking why.
The godly Father would be willing and able to give the child the reason why.
The worldly Father would respond with, "Because I said so."
Notice the implications with a society's Perspective of God...
The godly Father would result in a society that believed God was excellent enough to respond to us. That God is willing and able to give us the reason why behind His requests. This society would have a Perspective of God consistent with God's Word. This is exactly the God presented in The Bible.
The worldly Father would result in a society that believed God wasn't excellent enough to respond to us. That God had to control us through not being willing or able to give us the reason why behind His requests. The most Abusive Perspective of God would see God as having predetermined everyone's actions...as giving the Worst Cause to His children. This is the very definition of Calvinism.
SUMMARY
1. Fathers OUGHT to teach how to think.
2. Fathers OUGHT to give up control when they teach.
3. Fathers OUGHT to teach through Principles.
A society with godly Fathers would result in a culture that had a Biblical Perspective of God.
A society where Fathers did the opposite of these three characteristics would result in a culture that had an Abusive Perspective of God consistent with Calvinism.
Tomorrow, we will look at another attribute of Fathers...
Next Post
Discipline is the process by which the Father initiates the Spiritual Maturity of the child.
Justice would state the Discipline OUGHT to be in response to the child's behavior. This means, if the child does something good, the child OUGHT to be affirmed. If the child does something bad, the child OUGHT to be punished.
Here are four key characteristics of a Father who is able to Discipline well:
1. The Father OUGHT to be present in the child's life.
2. The Father OUGHT to look for opportunities to tell the child he is proud of him/her.
3. The Father OUGHT to Discipline the child according to the child's actions regardless of the emotional state of the Father.
4. The Father OUGHT to be consistent in his Disciplining.
What would happen to a society if Fathers did the opposite of these four characteristics? That society would begin to believe God was not present, God was not a rewarder, God was selfish, and God was inconsistent.
Today, we will look at another key attribute of a Father...
HOW TO BE A FATHER: CAUSES
One of the biggest abilities that a Father OUGHT to teach his children is HOW to think. This is different than WHAT to think. Look at these scriptures:
"1 The proverbs of Solomon the son of David, king of Israel:
2 To know wisdom and instruction; To discern the words of understanding;
3 To receive instruction in wise dealing, In righteousness and justice and equity;
4 To give prudence to the simple, To the young man knowledge and discretion:
5 That the wise man may hear, and increase in learning; And that the man of understanding may attain unto sound counsels:
6 To understand a proverb, and a figure, The words of the wise, and their dark sayings.
7 The fear of Jehovah is the beginning of knowledge; But the foolish despise wisdom and instruction.
8 My son, hear the instruction of thy father, And forsake not the law of thy mother:
9 For they shall be a chaplet of grace unto thy head, And chains about thy neck." (Proverbs 1:1-9)
Notice, the Father instructs according to righteousness and justice in order that the child has wisdom and understanding. The Mother teaches a law, which is knowledge. Is there a difference between wisdom, understanding, and knowledge?
"7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom; Yea, with all thy getting get understanding." (Proverbs 4:7)
"1 Now concerning things sacrificed to idols: We know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffeth up, but love edifieth." (I Corinthians 8:1)
Wisdom is the principal thing. The Bible said the most important thing is to get wisdom...and with all your getting get understanding. However, we all have knowledge...and knowledge puffs us up.
We've seen the difference between wisdom, understanding, and knowledge in a post titled, "Solomon: Proverbs":
Knowledge is the ability to know facts. Someone who has a lot of knowledge knows a high number of facts. An example is to know how a car works.
Understanding is the ability to take facts (knowledge) from several areas and fit them together to create a higher knowledge. Understanding creates knowledge. Understanding is like modeling because it identifies the implications and the likelihood of possible occurrences.
For instance, if I have knowledge of friction and the physics of bodies in motion, and weather effects in addition to the knowledge of how a car works, I can make a prediction. For example, if I accelerated a car towards a brick wall, I could calculate the distance from the wall I would have to slam my brakes in order to get within six inches of the wall without hitting it.
Wisdom is shown in our decisions (actions). Wisdom is proven by profitability. Someone who has wisdom makes profitable choices in the Long Term. Someone who lacks wisdom makes unprofitable choices, even though they look profitable in the short-term. In the above example, wisdom says, “Why accelerate a car towards a brick wall?” Wisdom would be shown when we don’t do it.
Proverbs says wisdom is the principle thing (Proverbs 4:7). It also says we are supposed to get wisdom and understanding. Now we can see why wisdom is principle and understanding follows closely behind. We are supposed to be profitable and wisdom is what drives our profitability. In addition, it is hard to have wisdom when we don’t understand the implications.
Knowledge is the WHAT.
Understanding is the WHY.
Wisdom is the HOW.
1. Fathers OUGHT to teach how to think.
The only way to teach how to think is to be able to supply the reason behind the what...to supply the why. The why is the cause and the what is the effect.
Again, the Father OUGHT to be about the causes. Consequently, teaching the HOW/WHY requires the Father to give up control. Remember, the quality of the cause is measured by the amount of control that is given up by the cause giver.
2. Fathers OUGHT to give up control when they teach.
There are three types of causes that can be given: Statement, Question, and Tangible Gift. We saw the way to measure these causes in the post titled, "How To Become a Man: Causes":
1) Statement
-A good (OUGHT) cause would be a FACT.
-A not bad cause would be an opinion.
-A bad (IS) cause would be a projection or judgment.
Notice: A BAD cause is Abuse.
2) Question
-A good (OUGHT) cause would be an open-ended question.
-A not bad cause would be a limiting question.
-A bad (IS) question would include a projection and/or judgment.
Notice: A BAD cause is Abuse.
3) Tangible Gift
-A good (OUGHT) cause would be something with which the receiver could create. (The ultimate example would be a value to who they ARE.)
-A not bad cause would limit what the person could create.
-A bad (IS) cause would be something they do not value, something YOU would gain from in the short-term, and/or something they cannot create with.
Notice: A BAD cause is Abuse.
There is a fourth cause. It is the Worst Cause and can hide behind any cause from Good to Bad.
The Worst Cause - Ignoring the answer and telling the person you really know what is their real answer. For instance, you could ask someone what is their favorite color and even though they say "yellow", you are convinced it is blue.
This cause is Deception (because it poses to be something else) and Abuse (because it projects/judges the person against his/her will).
We also saw during last year's Series that Jesus was a Rabbi. We saw that Rabbi's taught with Questions. We've also seen that God began interacting with humans by only asking Questions.
Questions give control to the student. The student must come up with their own answer...which they own. This is the ultimate way to teach HOW/WHY to think.
Telling the student WHAT to learn is requiring the student to adopt your answers.
The ultimate difference between these two methods can be summarized by looking at the difference between Laws and Principles:
LAWS
Every law takes the same general form:
Don't DO (stated action) or you will be punished (specfic way).
-A Law denies uniqueness. It views everyone the same.
-A Law is focused on effects (actions).
-A Law can only punish. A Law does not promise a benefit if it is followed.
(Not being fined or not going to jail is not a benefit...the individual wasn't paying a fine or going to jail before he chose not to break the law. For a law to provide a benefit it would have to be written: If you don't DO (specific action) then the government will pay you (specfic amount of money). I don't know of any law like this.)
PRINCIPLES
Every principle takes the same general form:
Strive for (stated objective) and you will get (specfic benefit).
-A Principle relies on uniqueness. It doesn't focus on preventing actions.
-A Principle is focused on objectives and benefits. There are no "Don'ts" in a principle.
-A Principle can only provide a benefit.
Within the Ten Commandments, there is ONE Principle. Do you know which one?
Nine of the Ten Commandments focus on what NOT to DO. Even keeping the Sabbath has a list of activities the people CANNOT DO.
The only principle is "Honor thy father and mother..."
Notice, the Commandment does not say HOW to honor your Father and Mother. WHY? Because each Father and Mother feel honored in different ways. If the Commandment had stated to honor your Father and Mother by buying them a specific gift, how would the poor be able to honor their Father and Mother? What if the specific gift was something your Father or Mother didn't value?
But that wasn't the entire Commandment. Look at the end of the Commandment...
"16 Honor thy father and thy mother, as Jehovah thy God commanded thee; that thy days may be long, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which Jehovah thy God giveth thee." (Deuteronomy 5:16)
The benefit for honoring thy Father and Mother is long life.
3. Fathers OUGHT to teach through Principles.
Once again, all of what we've seen in this post proves the importance of Words. A Father OUGHT to be a master with Words. A Father OUGHT to teach his children how to think by giving up control (through providing Good causes) and motivating the children through Principles.
What is the opposite of this?
A Father that teaches his children what to think by exerting controls (through Abuse) and motivating the children through laws.
Let's take the case of a Father telling his child what to do and the child asking why.
The godly Father would be willing and able to give the child the reason why.
The worldly Father would respond with, "Because I said so."
Notice the implications with a society's Perspective of God...
The godly Father would result in a society that believed God was excellent enough to respond to us. That God is willing and able to give us the reason why behind His requests. This society would have a Perspective of God consistent with God's Word. This is exactly the God presented in The Bible.
The worldly Father would result in a society that believed God wasn't excellent enough to respond to us. That God had to control us through not being willing or able to give us the reason why behind His requests. The most Abusive Perspective of God would see God as having predetermined everyone's actions...as giving the Worst Cause to His children. This is the very definition of Calvinism.
SUMMARY
1. Fathers OUGHT to teach how to think.
2. Fathers OUGHT to give up control when they teach.
3. Fathers OUGHT to teach through Principles.
A society with godly Fathers would result in a culture that had a Biblical Perspective of God.
A society where Fathers did the opposite of these three characteristics would result in a culture that had an Abusive Perspective of God consistent with Calvinism.
Tomorrow, we will look at another attribute of Fathers...
Next Post
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
How To Be a Father: Discipline
This month we are looking at HOW to become a man. (Here is a link to the beginning of this Series: Introduction.) The previous post began this week's look at how to be a Father. Here is the summary:
The main responsibility of a Father is to teach their child God's Nature...by example. God's Nature is Right and Just. However, no Father is always completely Right and Just.
This leads to two immediate effects for Fathers...
1. The Father needs to admit when He is not Right and not Just
2. The Father needs to realize his treatment of his child is an expression of his will for how he wants God to treat him.
If a Father wants to punish his children without warning, then he is telling God to punish him without warning.
For the rest of this week, we will look more specifically at the attributes Fathers OUGHT to exhibit in order to help their children have the correct perspective of God's Nature.
HOW TO BE A FATHER: DISCIPLINE
In the previous post we saw the Father needs to be an example of God's Nature...which is Right and Just. When it comes to disciplining a child, the Father must be Just. Let's look more closely at Just...
Justice is the principle that quantitatively measures the exchange of value...both positively and negatively. This principle is a causeless principle. There is nothing that preceeds the principle of Justice.
In fact, the concept of Justice would exist even if nothing was actually Just. Injustice is an effect of the principle of Justice. We know an injustice has occurred by referencing the principle of Justice.
CS Lewis began his book "Mere Christianity" by showing that everyone knows the concept of Justice and doesn't have to be taught it. Everyone gets upset when someone takes a value and doesn't give something to make it Just. Lewis even stated this as one of his proofs that God exists.
However, I have found this is only half of Justice. The other half of Justice is when we get something we haven't paid for we ought to make sure we give back. Justice goes both ways. Justice ought to be referenced not only when we are owed but when we owe. I have referred to the belief that Justice is only referenced when we are owed as "One Way Justice".
God's Nature is not "One Way Justice".
God is a rewarder.
What do you think that means?
The "One Way Justice" people believe God gives to us when we are right, but doesn't take when we are wrong.
Actually, in the Bible the word reward means "to recompense both good and bad". This completely agrees with the principle of Justice. God rewards people through Justice.
Before we cover the topic of Discipline, let's look at a couple of attributes a Father OUGHT to have that are an example of God to the child.
1. Presence - The Father OUGHT to be present in the child's life.
First of all, how can a Father discipline if they aren't present? How can a Father be Just? How can he know whether the child OUGHT to be rewarded good or bad?
Second, remember that we get our Perspective of God from our Father. If a person's Father is not present, the individual will see God as not present.
2. Proud - The Father OUGHT to look for opportunities to tell the child he is proud of him/her.
Children need to know their Mother loves them and their Father is proud of them.
Again, if the Father is not proud of their child, then the discipline is going to be filed away in the child's brain as Abuse.
Also, a child whose Father is not proud of him/her is much more likely to feel condemnation than conviction.
Remember, this affirmation OUGHT to be given as an effect of a named cause. The Father OUGHT to tell the child he is proud of him/her because of some stated good attribute.
Now, we can look at Discipline...
Discipline is the process by which the Father facilitates the Spiritual Maturity of the child.
Justice would state the Discipline OUGHT to be in response to the child's behavior. This means, if the child does something good, the child OUGHT to be affirmed. If the child does something bad, the child OUGHT to be punished.
Notice, affirming the child is half of the Disciplining of the child. The reality is people do a lot things well without knowing those actions are valued. I have even seen this in the business world...
When I was a business consultant, the first question I would ask a business owner is if they had written job descriptions and regular reviews for all their employees. The job descriptions work like definitions...they give the individual their Purpose. The regular reviews are what facilitates the individual's Progress...their growth in maturity.
I am still amazed at the number of businesses who focus solely on the "Areas of Improvement" and tend to ignore the "Strengths" portion of the review. I would love to ask the reviewers how much time they spent on the "Areas of Improvement" and how much time they spent on the "Strengths" during a review. The answer I would get is very little time on the "Strengths" because people know what they are good at.
Actually, you OUGHT to spend the same amount of time on both. Also, people don't realize everything they are being valued for...so when they do something well, if they don't get affirmed, they don't know to do it again. I would ask the business owner how he could get upset when a person stopped doing something well if the person was never affirmed for doing it well. I never heard a response that justified this lack of Discipline.
Since, the goal of Discipline is facilitating the Spiritual Maturity of the child, the Father's response to the child OUGHT to depend on the child's actions and not the Father's emotions.
This means that when the Father is having a good day and the child does something wrong, the Father OUGHT to punish the child. However, I have seen parents who avoid punishing a child when the parent is feeling good. Basically, the parent has decided not to be a parent and focus on themselves.
Likewise, I have seen parents who are having a bad day punish a child who didn't do anything wrong. Again, the parent has decided not to be a parent and focus on themselves.
3. The Father OUGHT to Discipline the child according to the child's actions regardless of the emotional state of the Father.
Remember, the definition of a Man according to God? The sex about the causes regardless of the effects. Sounds a lot like this guideline for Discipling...
Notice, there are religions that believe their god punishes or affirms people according to how their god is feeling. That mentality would justify a Parent who Disciplines their children according to how the Parent is feeling.
Within the concept of punishing and affirming is the issue of threshhold...basically, how many times does the child have to misbehave before the Father Disciplines the child?
4. The Father OUGHT to be consistent in his Disciplining.
If you are going to punish the child immediately, then always punish them immediately. If you are going to punish on the third occurrence, then always punish on the third occurrence.
The child looks to the Father to get their sense of security. If the child thinks the Father is weak or inconsistent, not only does the child think God is weak and inconsistent, the child thinks there is no protection from the evil world.
The child wants the Father to be firm and consistent. The child will even test the Father in order to find out if he is firm and consistent. Read that sentence again...
The child will intentionally misbehave, not because he/she wants to misbehave, but because he/she wants to find out if the Father will respond the same way. If the Father responds in a weak or inconsistent manner, the child is confused. In order to get rid of the confusion, the child will intentionally misbehave again.
Again, take a moment to get this point: Sometimes children misbehave in order to determine if their Father is firm and consistent...not because the child is bad. So, a Father that is weak and inconsistent is actually causing their child to misbehave more often. This brings us back to the previous post...
Remember, how you approach your child is a statement of your will how you want God to approach you.
I want God to give me a warning when I do something wrong. I want God to approach me with Understanding. However, if I continue to do something wrong, I want God to punish me on the first occurrence after a warning. I want God to approach me through Experience.
Remember, faith is built on Understanding and Experience. Discipline is the process for facilitating Spiritual Maturity and it is accomplished by building the faith of the individual. Notice, we OUGHT to grow in faith towards God...just as our children OUGHT to grow in Understanding and Experience of their earthly Father.
I believe this is how God related to everyone in the Bible. Likewise, I have Disciplined my children in the same way. First, they get a warning through Understanding. Next, they get punished through Experience. Over time, they learned this pattern and adjusted.
When it comes to punishment, OUGHT we to spank children?
"24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son; But he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." (Proverbs 13:24)
Why did this passage from the Bible speak about he that loves his son? Is Disciplining the Father's job?
Remember, we saw in the post titled, "Masculinity and Pornography":
It may interest you to know that ALL the parenting books written BEFORE the Industrial Revolution were to the FATHER. Look at the statistics for single fathers vs. single mothers. Kids are MUCH WORSE off if they are raised by a single mother than a single father. It would seem the quickest way to ruin society is for the FATHERS to be removed from the home AND encouraged to act like an animal.
Now, let's look at the passage more closely...
Notice, this stated that the Father who does not spank loves his son less...but the one that loves his son chasteneth him.
chasteneth is Strong's #4149 Mowcerah - "correction or corrections"
So, Proverbs 13:24 could be interpreted in terms of this post as:
The Father that loves his son corrects him with Understanding and Experience...with a warning and punishment. The Father that loves his son less won't correct his son with Experience when Understanding doesn't work...he won't punish his son when a warning doesn't work.
Can we warn a three year old child or should we just spank him?
How do we transition from spanking a child to no longer spanking a child?
Here is what I wrote in the post titled, "Leadership: Parent and Pastor Examples":
Parenting is the most obvious example. Before children can reason (WHY), the only way you can lead them is by being a BOSS (WHAT). You can’t really explain to them WHY they should do WHAT they were told to do. They learn by getting punished or denied a value because of what they didn’t do.
If the goal of the parents is to raise the child into becoming self sufficient, they will first approach the child from a Leader perspective. They will reason (WHY) with the child. They will account for uniqueness and determine what motivates the child. If the child doesn’t respond, then the parents will approach the child as a BOSS. For instance, the parent may first try to show the child WHY it would be best for him to stop bothering his sister before physically separating the child from his sister.
I realize being a BOSS is easier for the parents. They get WHAT they personally want more quickly. They don’t have to give a reason WHY. Both of these are definitions of being a BOSS. However, if the parents fail to adjust over time, the child may end up not valuing growth, thinking, or morality. Worse yet, Justice may demand that God act like a BOSS with the parents! After all, the parents are showing God HOW they want to be led by their Heavenly Father.
Spanking the child is facilitating his/her progress through punishment...through Experience. However, is the punishment purely physical? Here is another Perspective...
I know a Father who would spank his three year old daughter and she would cry.
The Mother used to spank her and she wouldn't cry.
The Father got accused of hitting his daughter too hard. However, the Mother would hit her harder than the Father...and continue to hit her even harder looking for the crying.
The Father finally proved his point by laying his daughter over his knees and playing bongoes on her behind in front of the Mother. While he was spanking her hard, the daughter laughed.
Then within a couple of days, the daughter did something wrong. The Father looked to the Mother to make her aware he was barely going to hit her. The Father spanked her almost softly...and the daughter cried.
What was different?
Taking everything we've read in this post, can you explain why the daughter cried when her dad barely spanked her and didn't cry when her mom spanked her?
ANSWER
The Father would spanked the daughter while she was standing. He would lift up just a little so she lost her balance a little. This would cause her to look around in alarm. Then the Father would get a very dissapointed face for her to see...which would cause her to cry.
She wasn't crying because of how hard she got hit. She was crying because her temporary loss of balance caused her to become Aware...and what was the first thing she became Aware of? Her father was disappointed...which made her cry. Eventually, the Father didn't even have to physically touch the daughter in order to punish her. The Mother was a different story...
As the daughter got to her teens, the Mother would continue to Discipline her physically. The daughter would tell her mom that her spankings were like a massage...and her mom ended up becoming physically Abusive.
The issue is in the heart of the child. The Father chose to use the rod to make her Aware her father was disappointed, which is a BLATANT chastening of the heart of the child...instead of using only the rod to change the child's heart.
Notice, if the Father hadn't also been the first to affirm his daughter when she did something well, his disappointed face wouldn't have caused the daughter to cry. Also, if the Father wasn't present in the daughter's life, it would be difficult for her to form the bond that resulted in her crying when he looked disappointed.
SUMMARY
Discipline is the process by which the Father initiates the Spiritual Maturity of the child.
Justice would state the Discipline OUGHT to be in response to the child's behavior. This means, if the child does something good, the child OUGHT to be affirmed. If the child does something bad, the child OUGHT to be punished.
Here are four key characteristics of a Father who is able to Discipline well:
1. The Father OUGHT to be present in the child's life.
2. The Father OUGHT to look for opportunities to tell the child he is proud of him/her.
3. The Father OUGHT to Discipline the child according to the child's actions regardless of the emotional state of the Father.
4. The Father OUGHT to be consistent in his Disciplining.
What would happen to a society if Fathers did the opposite of these four characteristics? That society would begin to believe God was not present, God was not a rewarder, God was selfish, and God was inconsistent.
Tomorrow, we will look at another key attribute of a Father...
Next Post
The main responsibility of a Father is to teach their child God's Nature...by example. God's Nature is Right and Just. However, no Father is always completely Right and Just.
This leads to two immediate effects for Fathers...
1. The Father needs to admit when He is not Right and not Just
2. The Father needs to realize his treatment of his child is an expression of his will for how he wants God to treat him.
If a Father wants to punish his children without warning, then he is telling God to punish him without warning.
For the rest of this week, we will look more specifically at the attributes Fathers OUGHT to exhibit in order to help their children have the correct perspective of God's Nature.
HOW TO BE A FATHER: DISCIPLINE
In the previous post we saw the Father needs to be an example of God's Nature...which is Right and Just. When it comes to disciplining a child, the Father must be Just. Let's look more closely at Just...
Justice is the principle that quantitatively measures the exchange of value...both positively and negatively. This principle is a causeless principle. There is nothing that preceeds the principle of Justice.
In fact, the concept of Justice would exist even if nothing was actually Just. Injustice is an effect of the principle of Justice. We know an injustice has occurred by referencing the principle of Justice.
CS Lewis began his book "Mere Christianity" by showing that everyone knows the concept of Justice and doesn't have to be taught it. Everyone gets upset when someone takes a value and doesn't give something to make it Just. Lewis even stated this as one of his proofs that God exists.
However, I have found this is only half of Justice. The other half of Justice is when we get something we haven't paid for we ought to make sure we give back. Justice goes both ways. Justice ought to be referenced not only when we are owed but when we owe. I have referred to the belief that Justice is only referenced when we are owed as "One Way Justice".
God's Nature is not "One Way Justice".
God is a rewarder.
What do you think that means?
The "One Way Justice" people believe God gives to us when we are right, but doesn't take when we are wrong.
Actually, in the Bible the word reward means "to recompense both good and bad". This completely agrees with the principle of Justice. God rewards people through Justice.
Before we cover the topic of Discipline, let's look at a couple of attributes a Father OUGHT to have that are an example of God to the child.
1. Presence - The Father OUGHT to be present in the child's life.
First of all, how can a Father discipline if they aren't present? How can a Father be Just? How can he know whether the child OUGHT to be rewarded good or bad?
Second, remember that we get our Perspective of God from our Father. If a person's Father is not present, the individual will see God as not present.
2. Proud - The Father OUGHT to look for opportunities to tell the child he is proud of him/her.
Children need to know their Mother loves them and their Father is proud of them.
Again, if the Father is not proud of their child, then the discipline is going to be filed away in the child's brain as Abuse.
Also, a child whose Father is not proud of him/her is much more likely to feel condemnation than conviction.
Remember, this affirmation OUGHT to be given as an effect of a named cause. The Father OUGHT to tell the child he is proud of him/her because of some stated good attribute.
Now, we can look at Discipline...
Discipline is the process by which the Father facilitates the Spiritual Maturity of the child.
Justice would state the Discipline OUGHT to be in response to the child's behavior. This means, if the child does something good, the child OUGHT to be affirmed. If the child does something bad, the child OUGHT to be punished.
Notice, affirming the child is half of the Disciplining of the child. The reality is people do a lot things well without knowing those actions are valued. I have even seen this in the business world...
When I was a business consultant, the first question I would ask a business owner is if they had written job descriptions and regular reviews for all their employees. The job descriptions work like definitions...they give the individual their Purpose. The regular reviews are what facilitates the individual's Progress...their growth in maturity.
I am still amazed at the number of businesses who focus solely on the "Areas of Improvement" and tend to ignore the "Strengths" portion of the review. I would love to ask the reviewers how much time they spent on the "Areas of Improvement" and how much time they spent on the "Strengths" during a review. The answer I would get is very little time on the "Strengths" because people know what they are good at.
Actually, you OUGHT to spend the same amount of time on both. Also, people don't realize everything they are being valued for...so when they do something well, if they don't get affirmed, they don't know to do it again. I would ask the business owner how he could get upset when a person stopped doing something well if the person was never affirmed for doing it well. I never heard a response that justified this lack of Discipline.
Since, the goal of Discipline is facilitating the Spiritual Maturity of the child, the Father's response to the child OUGHT to depend on the child's actions and not the Father's emotions.
This means that when the Father is having a good day and the child does something wrong, the Father OUGHT to punish the child. However, I have seen parents who avoid punishing a child when the parent is feeling good. Basically, the parent has decided not to be a parent and focus on themselves.
Likewise, I have seen parents who are having a bad day punish a child who didn't do anything wrong. Again, the parent has decided not to be a parent and focus on themselves.
3. The Father OUGHT to Discipline the child according to the child's actions regardless of the emotional state of the Father.
Remember, the definition of a Man according to God? The sex about the causes regardless of the effects. Sounds a lot like this guideline for Discipling...
Notice, there are religions that believe their god punishes or affirms people according to how their god is feeling. That mentality would justify a Parent who Disciplines their children according to how the Parent is feeling.
Within the concept of punishing and affirming is the issue of threshhold...basically, how many times does the child have to misbehave before the Father Disciplines the child?
4. The Father OUGHT to be consistent in his Disciplining.
If you are going to punish the child immediately, then always punish them immediately. If you are going to punish on the third occurrence, then always punish on the third occurrence.
The child looks to the Father to get their sense of security. If the child thinks the Father is weak or inconsistent, not only does the child think God is weak and inconsistent, the child thinks there is no protection from the evil world.
The child wants the Father to be firm and consistent. The child will even test the Father in order to find out if he is firm and consistent. Read that sentence again...
The child will intentionally misbehave, not because he/she wants to misbehave, but because he/she wants to find out if the Father will respond the same way. If the Father responds in a weak or inconsistent manner, the child is confused. In order to get rid of the confusion, the child will intentionally misbehave again.
Again, take a moment to get this point: Sometimes children misbehave in order to determine if their Father is firm and consistent...not because the child is bad. So, a Father that is weak and inconsistent is actually causing their child to misbehave more often. This brings us back to the previous post...
Remember, how you approach your child is a statement of your will how you want God to approach you.
I want God to give me a warning when I do something wrong. I want God to approach me with Understanding. However, if I continue to do something wrong, I want God to punish me on the first occurrence after a warning. I want God to approach me through Experience.
Remember, faith is built on Understanding and Experience. Discipline is the process for facilitating Spiritual Maturity and it is accomplished by building the faith of the individual. Notice, we OUGHT to grow in faith towards God...just as our children OUGHT to grow in Understanding and Experience of their earthly Father.
I believe this is how God related to everyone in the Bible. Likewise, I have Disciplined my children in the same way. First, they get a warning through Understanding. Next, they get punished through Experience. Over time, they learned this pattern and adjusted.
When it comes to punishment, OUGHT we to spank children?
"24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son; But he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." (Proverbs 13:24)
Why did this passage from the Bible speak about he that loves his son? Is Disciplining the Father's job?
Remember, we saw in the post titled, "Masculinity and Pornography":
It may interest you to know that ALL the parenting books written BEFORE the Industrial Revolution were to the FATHER. Look at the statistics for single fathers vs. single mothers. Kids are MUCH WORSE off if they are raised by a single mother than a single father. It would seem the quickest way to ruin society is for the FATHERS to be removed from the home AND encouraged to act like an animal.
Now, let's look at the passage more closely...
Notice, this stated that the Father who does not spank loves his son less...but the one that loves his son chasteneth him.
chasteneth is Strong's #4149 Mowcerah - "correction or corrections"
So, Proverbs 13:24 could be interpreted in terms of this post as:
The Father that loves his son corrects him with Understanding and Experience...with a warning and punishment. The Father that loves his son less won't correct his son with Experience when Understanding doesn't work...he won't punish his son when a warning doesn't work.
Can we warn a three year old child or should we just spank him?
How do we transition from spanking a child to no longer spanking a child?
Here is what I wrote in the post titled, "Leadership: Parent and Pastor Examples":
Parenting is the most obvious example. Before children can reason (WHY), the only way you can lead them is by being a BOSS (WHAT). You can’t really explain to them WHY they should do WHAT they were told to do. They learn by getting punished or denied a value because of what they didn’t do.
If the goal of the parents is to raise the child into becoming self sufficient, they will first approach the child from a Leader perspective. They will reason (WHY) with the child. They will account for uniqueness and determine what motivates the child. If the child doesn’t respond, then the parents will approach the child as a BOSS. For instance, the parent may first try to show the child WHY it would be best for him to stop bothering his sister before physically separating the child from his sister.
I realize being a BOSS is easier for the parents. They get WHAT they personally want more quickly. They don’t have to give a reason WHY. Both of these are definitions of being a BOSS. However, if the parents fail to adjust over time, the child may end up not valuing growth, thinking, or morality. Worse yet, Justice may demand that God act like a BOSS with the parents! After all, the parents are showing God HOW they want to be led by their Heavenly Father.
Spanking the child is facilitating his/her progress through punishment...through Experience. However, is the punishment purely physical? Here is another Perspective...
I know a Father who would spank his three year old daughter and she would cry.
The Mother used to spank her and she wouldn't cry.
The Father got accused of hitting his daughter too hard. However, the Mother would hit her harder than the Father...and continue to hit her even harder looking for the crying.
The Father finally proved his point by laying his daughter over his knees and playing bongoes on her behind in front of the Mother. While he was spanking her hard, the daughter laughed.
Then within a couple of days, the daughter did something wrong. The Father looked to the Mother to make her aware he was barely going to hit her. The Father spanked her almost softly...and the daughter cried.
What was different?
Taking everything we've read in this post, can you explain why the daughter cried when her dad barely spanked her and didn't cry when her mom spanked her?
ANSWER
The Father would spanked the daughter while she was standing. He would lift up just a little so she lost her balance a little. This would cause her to look around in alarm. Then the Father would get a very dissapointed face for her to see...which would cause her to cry.
She wasn't crying because of how hard she got hit. She was crying because her temporary loss of balance caused her to become Aware...and what was the first thing she became Aware of? Her father was disappointed...which made her cry. Eventually, the Father didn't even have to physically touch the daughter in order to punish her. The Mother was a different story...
As the daughter got to her teens, the Mother would continue to Discipline her physically. The daughter would tell her mom that her spankings were like a massage...and her mom ended up becoming physically Abusive.
The issue is in the heart of the child. The Father chose to use the rod to make her Aware her father was disappointed, which is a BLATANT chastening of the heart of the child...instead of using only the rod to change the child's heart.
Notice, if the Father hadn't also been the first to affirm his daughter when she did something well, his disappointed face wouldn't have caused the daughter to cry. Also, if the Father wasn't present in the daughter's life, it would be difficult for her to form the bond that resulted in her crying when he looked disappointed.
SUMMARY
Discipline is the process by which the Father initiates the Spiritual Maturity of the child.
Justice would state the Discipline OUGHT to be in response to the child's behavior. This means, if the child does something good, the child OUGHT to be affirmed. If the child does something bad, the child OUGHT to be punished.
Here are four key characteristics of a Father who is able to Discipline well:
1. The Father OUGHT to be present in the child's life.
2. The Father OUGHT to look for opportunities to tell the child he is proud of him/her.
3. The Father OUGHT to Discipline the child according to the child's actions regardless of the emotional state of the Father.
4. The Father OUGHT to be consistent in his Disciplining.
What would happen to a society if Fathers did the opposite of these four characteristics? That society would begin to believe God was not present, God was not a rewarder, God was selfish, and God was inconsistent.
Tomorrow, we will look at another key attribute of a Father...
Next Post
Monday, February 21, 2011
How To Be a Father: Right and Just
This month we are looking at HOW to become a man. (Here is a link to the beginning of this Series: Introduction.) The previous post concluded last week's look at how to be a Husband. Here is the summary:
Husbands OUGHT to be "Ultra Men". They OUGHT to have all of the characteristics of being a Man plus the ability to continually grow in intimacy with one Woman. This continual growth in intimacy with one Woman would result in the male achieving his mission statement: sex with the fantasy Woman.
We have seen the #1 ability required by a godly Husband is the ability to Repair.
Church and Marriage were given to us by God in order to bring about His Will on earth. The critical role in each Community is Pastor and Husband. Everything we've covered this week pertains to a Husband relative to his Wife as well as a Pastor relative to his church.
How well do Husbands and Pastors Repair?
Today, we will look at how to be a Father...
HOW TO BE A FATHER: RIGHT AND JUST
In order to look at specific steps for males to take to fulfill God's plan for Fathers, let's revisit some critical comments made in the first post of this month's Series. Here are some excerpts from "How To Be a Man: Introduction":
From "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge:
"Most men have never been initiated into manhood. They have never had anyone show them how to do it, and especially, how to fight for their heart. The failure of so many fathers, the emasculating culture, and the passive church have left men without direction." (p. 87)
I stated Mr. Eldredge is a master of IS. Not surprisingly, the reason most males value "Wild at Heart" is Mr. Eldredge not only feels it is important to complete Spiritual Maturity Stage One, he even identified the biggest source of Damage for a male...
"Every boy, in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength. Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed, every man carries a wound. And the wound is nearly always given by his father." (p. 60)
I have to agree with Mr. Eldredge. Furthermore, I have found that if the Damage is severe enough, the male doesn't emotionally mature beyond his age at the time of this Damage. I know grown males (men in appearance) who are still teenage boys because that is when their father inflicted severe Damage.
Today, the way males are initiated into manhood is someone the male considers to be a man declares the male to be a man. For most males, the person they consider to be a man is their father.
Now we see, the second severe Damage that fathers can do to their sons is to never declare them a man. Here is how Mr. Eldredge stated this issue...
"First and foremost, we still need to know what we never heard, or heard so badly, from our fathers. We need to know who we are and if we have what it takes. What do we do now with that ultimate question? Where do we go to find an answer? In order to help you find the answer to The Question, let me ask you another: What have you done with your question? Where have you taken it? You see, a man's core question does not go away. He may try for years to shove it out of his awareness, and just 'get on with life.' But it does not go away, It is a hunger so essential to our souls that it will compel us to find a resolution. In truth, it drives everything we do." (p. 88)
For the males:
-Who do you consider to be a man?
-Have any of these men told you that you are a man?
For the females:
-Have you ever asked the males in your life who they consider to be a man?
-Do you know if the males in your life have ever been told they are a man?
We have found that not only do both males and females get a sense of their identity from their Father, everyone gets a sense of God's Identity from their Father.
When I first begin to help a person, I ask them to give me three to five adjectives to describe their Father. The overwhelming majority of the time, I have found the person is also describing their perspective of God's Nature.
The main responsibility of a Father is to teach his child God's Nature...by example.
This may not sound that difficult until you realize that since 1969, the church in America has chosen to go without an orthodox explanation for God. This is known as "The Godless Christianity Movement".
Today, most churches believe it is wrong to be able to explain God's Nature.
We have seen God's Nature is always completely Right and always completely Just. We've seen the first effect of this Nature is God is unable to do anything that is Wrong or Unjust. God is unable to do anything apart from His Nature. For instance, the Bible stated it is impossible for God to lie.
However, no Father is always completely Right and always completely Just.
This leads to two immediate effects for Fathers...
1. The Father needs to admit when He is not Right and not Just
2. The Father needs to realize his treatment of his child is an expression of his will for how he wants God to treat him.
If a Father wants to punish his children without warning, then he is telling God to punish him without warning.
-Would you want God to treat you the same way you treat your child?
SUMMARY
The main responsibility of a Father is to teach their child God's Nature...by example.
For the rest of this week, we will look more specifically at the attributes Fathers OUGHT to exhibit in order to help their children have the correct perspective of God's Nature.
Next Post
Husbands OUGHT to be "Ultra Men". They OUGHT to have all of the characteristics of being a Man plus the ability to continually grow in intimacy with one Woman. This continual growth in intimacy with one Woman would result in the male achieving his mission statement: sex with the fantasy Woman.
We have seen the #1 ability required by a godly Husband is the ability to Repair.
Church and Marriage were given to us by God in order to bring about His Will on earth. The critical role in each Community is Pastor and Husband. Everything we've covered this week pertains to a Husband relative to his Wife as well as a Pastor relative to his church.
How well do Husbands and Pastors Repair?
Today, we will look at how to be a Father...
HOW TO BE A FATHER: RIGHT AND JUST
In order to look at specific steps for males to take to fulfill God's plan for Fathers, let's revisit some critical comments made in the first post of this month's Series. Here are some excerpts from "How To Be a Man: Introduction":
From "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge:
"Most men have never been initiated into manhood. They have never had anyone show them how to do it, and especially, how to fight for their heart. The failure of so many fathers, the emasculating culture, and the passive church have left men without direction." (p. 87)
I stated Mr. Eldredge is a master of IS. Not surprisingly, the reason most males value "Wild at Heart" is Mr. Eldredge not only feels it is important to complete Spiritual Maturity Stage One, he even identified the biggest source of Damage for a male...
"Every boy, in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength. Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed, every man carries a wound. And the wound is nearly always given by his father." (p. 60)
I have to agree with Mr. Eldredge. Furthermore, I have found that if the Damage is severe enough, the male doesn't emotionally mature beyond his age at the time of this Damage. I know grown males (men in appearance) who are still teenage boys because that is when their father inflicted severe Damage.
Today, the way males are initiated into manhood is someone the male considers to be a man declares the male to be a man. For most males, the person they consider to be a man is their father.
Now we see, the second severe Damage that fathers can do to their sons is to never declare them a man. Here is how Mr. Eldredge stated this issue...
"First and foremost, we still need to know what we never heard, or heard so badly, from our fathers. We need to know who we are and if we have what it takes. What do we do now with that ultimate question? Where do we go to find an answer? In order to help you find the answer to The Question, let me ask you another: What have you done with your question? Where have you taken it? You see, a man's core question does not go away. He may try for years to shove it out of his awareness, and just 'get on with life.' But it does not go away, It is a hunger so essential to our souls that it will compel us to find a resolution. In truth, it drives everything we do." (p. 88)
For the males:
-Who do you consider to be a man?
-Have any of these men told you that you are a man?
For the females:
-Have you ever asked the males in your life who they consider to be a man?
-Do you know if the males in your life have ever been told they are a man?
We have found that not only do both males and females get a sense of their identity from their Father, everyone gets a sense of God's Identity from their Father.
When I first begin to help a person, I ask them to give me three to five adjectives to describe their Father. The overwhelming majority of the time, I have found the person is also describing their perspective of God's Nature.
The main responsibility of a Father is to teach his child God's Nature...by example.
This may not sound that difficult until you realize that since 1969, the church in America has chosen to go without an orthodox explanation for God. This is known as "The Godless Christianity Movement".
Today, most churches believe it is wrong to be able to explain God's Nature.
We have seen God's Nature is always completely Right and always completely Just. We've seen the first effect of this Nature is God is unable to do anything that is Wrong or Unjust. God is unable to do anything apart from His Nature. For instance, the Bible stated it is impossible for God to lie.
However, no Father is always completely Right and always completely Just.
This leads to two immediate effects for Fathers...
1. The Father needs to admit when He is not Right and not Just
2. The Father needs to realize his treatment of his child is an expression of his will for how he wants God to treat him.
If a Father wants to punish his children without warning, then he is telling God to punish him without warning.
-Would you want God to treat you the same way you treat your child?
SUMMARY
The main responsibility of a Father is to teach their child God's Nature...by example.
For the rest of this week, we will look more specifically at the attributes Fathers OUGHT to exhibit in order to help their children have the correct perspective of God's Nature.
Next Post
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The Reset Button vs. The Double Adjustment
Why don't more people continue to give their spouse freedom and get to know them more?
Let's look at what happens in most marriages when it comes to getting to know each other better...
THE RESET BUTTON vs. REPAIR (SATURDAY)
Here's the scenario:
A Husband and Wife find themselves fighting about their new car. He wanted to use it to drive their oldest son and his friends to the gym. She wanted to know why. He took her question as opposition to his plan...so he gave her five reasons why. When she interrupted, he took this as disrespect and began to yell at her. She yelled back that he could take the car...and then she ran crying to the bedroom. The Husband felt justified, got the keys and took his son and friends to the gym.
Now, what do most Husbands and Wives do when the Husband comes home?
There are national pastors and ministers who teach about "The Reset Button". Basically, the couple should act like the confrontation never happened. Just forget about it. However, we've seen that this confrontation exists in the amygdalae of both spouses. This is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode again.
Couples know this. That is why the response today is to not only try to forget about this but also never talk about the new car again. Basically, the couple now has an area where their Sharing is limited. The couple doesn't Share about this encounter...or anything else that could be similar or allude to this confrontation.
Remember, Fellowship is SHARING. The equity of the Marriage is increased through Sharing. This couple must Share in order to grow their Marriage. However, this couple is now in a situation of "Sharing, Not Sharing". They are compelled to Share with each other by the Holy Spirit, yet they limit the Sharing in certain areas.
Worse, this was just one case. This couple has several of these Unprofitable confrontations each each year. After years of Marriage, this couple will find they have more areas they cannot Share in than areas they can Share in. Worse, these spouses will find a person of the opposite sex outside the Marriage to whom they can Share what appears like anything. Actually, they don't know if they can Share anything with this person. Actually, they know they can Share things they cannot Share with their spouse.
The Reset Button is a perfect example of Deception. It is IS. The result is Unprofitable. It has a Right WHAT: help the couple through their confrontation. However, the HOW and WHY are destructive. The Reset Button attempts to have both spouses NOT SHARE so that they don't ever experience the negative emotions. The reality is this strategy results in looking outside the Marriage for the buzz they have intentionally lost within the Marriage.
How OUGHT this situation be dealt with in order to make it Profitable?
Last year's Series showed that Matthew chapter 18 and Matthew chapter 19 document several Doctrines from Jesus that would Repair Church and Marriage today...and are completely ignored by our current "Christian" culture. Today, we literally do the OPPOSITE of Jesus' Words in these critical areas affecting God's Will.
Jesus commanded us to confront each other in order to Repair. Repair would result in more. Repair would increase the buzz. Why don't we want to do this?
The Husband would admit to the Wife that he gave her a Bad cause: he projected she was against his plan. The Husband would ask the Wife if she would like to replay the confrontation. Notice, this is Stepping In. Notice, this is the opposite of The Reset Button. If the Wife agreed, she would be Stepping In. If she didn't, then the Husband OUGHT to wait for when the Wife is ready to Step In...and let God deal with her.
If she Steps In, then the couple can Step Up. The Husband can tell the Wife he wants to take the new car to take their son and his friends to the gym. The Wife can ask why. The Husband can now give her a Good or Not Bad cause. He can ask her if she is against his plan? (Not Bad cause) He can ask her what he ought to do? (Good cause)
At this point, the Wife is going to say that she is not against his plan, she just wanted to talk with him because they didn't get time to talk during the evening. Her question was really an attempt to Share.
The Husband could then ask her why she interrupted him when he "Shared" his reasons why. (Good cause) Her response would be that his reasons were so fast she felt overwhelmed. She didn't feel like it was Sharing because she could barely comprehend each one. All she wanted was for him to slow down.
At this point, the Husband may realize he has a personal issue related to Respect. He interpreted her interruption as disrespect instead of an attempt to hear him.
Now what?
After both spouses Step Up, it is time to Step Through.
Notice, both spouses have learned something about themselves and learned something about the other. Perhaps it is something that no one else knows about them.
I have found in cases of True Repair, the Stepping Through results in what I call "The Double Adjustment". Both spouses will make an adjustment so that this situation won't happen again.
The Husband can ask her intent the next time he feels attacked instead of assuming she is opposing him.
The Wife can call a "time out" the next time she feels overwhelmed. Basically, she can say, "time out" and the Husband has to stop talking so she can ask questions to catch up. Her doing this is an admission that she is not able to keep up with the Husband.
The Husband had an issue with being heard. He felt disrespected when he is not heard. He may ask the Wife if she would be willing to let him continue his explanation once the "time out" is over. Since she wants to hear her Husband, she would smile, maybe with a twinkle in her eye, and say softly, "Yes..."
As much as this scene may lead to today's topic...it will definitely lead to sex the next time they have a disagreement. Why?
Because, the moment the Husband makes his adjustment, the Wife is going to feel affirmed. She is going to know her Husband remembered something she said. She is going to feel she is so important that he remembered something that was completely about her. She is going to feel a desire for him...
The Reset Button attempted to forget the confrontation and led to the couple looking outside the Marriage for Sharing.
The Double Adjustment actually recalls the previous confrontation and leads to the couple looking inside the Marriage to experience the effect of Sharing.
Furthermore, both spouses have remapped their Covenant partner as more excellent than they used to be. Both spouses are having sex with someone more excellent than before. The buzz can continually indefinitely with The Double Adjustment.
Even furthermore, the couple can avoid this negative confrontation in the future and encounter an even more negative situation!
What was your first response to that previous sentence?
Why did you have that response?
Remember, the reasons why we can have paradisiacal Marriage and Church on earth is because we are flawed. We can continually keep the buzz because we will always have areas to Repair. In fact, with every adjustment not only is the Husband affirming his Wife, he is widening the gap between himself and every other male in the world relative to being a world expert on his spouse.
I can tell you from personal experience that I have made over a dozen adjustments with my Wife...and I've told a couple of these adjustments and what I learned about my Wife to a group of men so that they could have more Profitable exchanges with my Wife. Why? Two reasons:
1) I'd rather have my Wife want to exchange with these excellent men instead of other males.
2) I want my Wife to want to be with me...not have to be with me.
When she has Profitable interactions with other Men and still chooses to be with me, that is the cause of the greatest feeling I can ever experience.
What is your objective?
"Control or Freedom?".
Control lessens the buzz and prevents my ability to have sex with the Fantasy Woman.
Freedom gives me the opportunity to keep the buzz and continue to have sex with the Fantasy Woman.
Let's conclude this week's mini-Series with some thoughts that will stretch most people...so be careful with the following.
Next Post
Let's look at what happens in most marriages when it comes to getting to know each other better...
THE RESET BUTTON vs. REPAIR (SATURDAY)
Here's the scenario:
A Husband and Wife find themselves fighting about their new car. He wanted to use it to drive their oldest son and his friends to the gym. She wanted to know why. He took her question as opposition to his plan...so he gave her five reasons why. When she interrupted, he took this as disrespect and began to yell at her. She yelled back that he could take the car...and then she ran crying to the bedroom. The Husband felt justified, got the keys and took his son and friends to the gym.
Now, what do most Husbands and Wives do when the Husband comes home?
There are national pastors and ministers who teach about "The Reset Button". Basically, the couple should act like the confrontation never happened. Just forget about it. However, we've seen that this confrontation exists in the amygdalae of both spouses. This is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode again.
Couples know this. That is why the response today is to not only try to forget about this but also never talk about the new car again. Basically, the couple now has an area where their Sharing is limited. The couple doesn't Share about this encounter...or anything else that could be similar or allude to this confrontation.
Remember, Fellowship is SHARING. The equity of the Marriage is increased through Sharing. This couple must Share in order to grow their Marriage. However, this couple is now in a situation of "Sharing, Not Sharing". They are compelled to Share with each other by the Holy Spirit, yet they limit the Sharing in certain areas.
Worse, this was just one case. This couple has several of these Unprofitable confrontations each each year. After years of Marriage, this couple will find they have more areas they cannot Share in than areas they can Share in. Worse, these spouses will find a person of the opposite sex outside the Marriage to whom they can Share what appears like anything. Actually, they don't know if they can Share anything with this person. Actually, they know they can Share things they cannot Share with their spouse.
The Reset Button is a perfect example of Deception. It is IS. The result is Unprofitable. It has a Right WHAT: help the couple through their confrontation. However, the HOW and WHY are destructive. The Reset Button attempts to have both spouses NOT SHARE so that they don't ever experience the negative emotions. The reality is this strategy results in looking outside the Marriage for the buzz they have intentionally lost within the Marriage.
How OUGHT this situation be dealt with in order to make it Profitable?
Last year's Series showed that Matthew chapter 18 and Matthew chapter 19 document several Doctrines from Jesus that would Repair Church and Marriage today...and are completely ignored by our current "Christian" culture. Today, we literally do the OPPOSITE of Jesus' Words in these critical areas affecting God's Will.
Jesus commanded us to confront each other in order to Repair. Repair would result in more. Repair would increase the buzz. Why don't we want to do this?
The Husband would admit to the Wife that he gave her a Bad cause: he projected she was against his plan. The Husband would ask the Wife if she would like to replay the confrontation. Notice, this is Stepping In. Notice, this is the opposite of The Reset Button. If the Wife agreed, she would be Stepping In. If she didn't, then the Husband OUGHT to wait for when the Wife is ready to Step In...and let God deal with her.
If she Steps In, then the couple can Step Up. The Husband can tell the Wife he wants to take the new car to take their son and his friends to the gym. The Wife can ask why. The Husband can now give her a Good or Not Bad cause. He can ask her if she is against his plan? (Not Bad cause) He can ask her what he ought to do? (Good cause)
At this point, the Wife is going to say that she is not against his plan, she just wanted to talk with him because they didn't get time to talk during the evening. Her question was really an attempt to Share.
The Husband could then ask her why she interrupted him when he "Shared" his reasons why. (Good cause) Her response would be that his reasons were so fast she felt overwhelmed. She didn't feel like it was Sharing because she could barely comprehend each one. All she wanted was for him to slow down.
At this point, the Husband may realize he has a personal issue related to Respect. He interpreted her interruption as disrespect instead of an attempt to hear him.
Now what?
After both spouses Step Up, it is time to Step Through.
Notice, both spouses have learned something about themselves and learned something about the other. Perhaps it is something that no one else knows about them.
I have found in cases of True Repair, the Stepping Through results in what I call "The Double Adjustment". Both spouses will make an adjustment so that this situation won't happen again.
The Husband can ask her intent the next time he feels attacked instead of assuming she is opposing him.
The Wife can call a "time out" the next time she feels overwhelmed. Basically, she can say, "time out" and the Husband has to stop talking so she can ask questions to catch up. Her doing this is an admission that she is not able to keep up with the Husband.
The Husband had an issue with being heard. He felt disrespected when he is not heard. He may ask the Wife if she would be willing to let him continue his explanation once the "time out" is over. Since she wants to hear her Husband, she would smile, maybe with a twinkle in her eye, and say softly, "Yes..."
As much as this scene may lead to today's topic...it will definitely lead to sex the next time they have a disagreement. Why?
Because, the moment the Husband makes his adjustment, the Wife is going to feel affirmed. She is going to know her Husband remembered something she said. She is going to feel she is so important that he remembered something that was completely about her. She is going to feel a desire for him...
The Reset Button attempted to forget the confrontation and led to the couple looking outside the Marriage for Sharing.
The Double Adjustment actually recalls the previous confrontation and leads to the couple looking inside the Marriage to experience the effect of Sharing.
Furthermore, both spouses have remapped their Covenant partner as more excellent than they used to be. Both spouses are having sex with someone more excellent than before. The buzz can continually indefinitely with The Double Adjustment.
Even furthermore, the couple can avoid this negative confrontation in the future and encounter an even more negative situation!
What was your first response to that previous sentence?
Why did you have that response?
Remember, the reasons why we can have paradisiacal Marriage and Church on earth is because we are flawed. We can continually keep the buzz because we will always have areas to Repair. In fact, with every adjustment not only is the Husband affirming his Wife, he is widening the gap between himself and every other male in the world relative to being a world expert on his spouse.
I can tell you from personal experience that I have made over a dozen adjustments with my Wife...and I've told a couple of these adjustments and what I learned about my Wife to a group of men so that they could have more Profitable exchanges with my Wife. Why? Two reasons:
1) I'd rather have my Wife want to exchange with these excellent men instead of other males.
2) I want my Wife to want to be with me...not have to be with me.
When she has Profitable interactions with other Men and still chooses to be with me, that is the cause of the greatest feeling I can ever experience.
What is your objective?
"Control or Freedom?".
Control lessens the buzz and prevents my ability to have sex with the Fantasy Woman.
Freedom gives me the opportunity to keep the buzz and continue to have sex with the Fantasy Woman.
Let's conclude this week's mini-Series with some thoughts that will stretch most people...so be careful with the following.
Next Post
Friday, February 18, 2011
How To Be a Husband: Sex
This month we are looking at HOW to become a man. (Here is a link to the beginning of this Series: Introduction.) The previous post looked at the mission statement for males. Here is the summary:
The mission statement for males is: have sex with "the fantasy woman".
The definition of fantasy woman is "the woman that he never gets tired of having sex with".
Our current national and "Christian" cultures prevent males from achieving their mission statement by focusing males on beauty and making the physical a cause. This actually encourages addiction to pornography.
God would want the Husband to focus on the mental, emotional, and spiritual attributes in order to remap his Wife which would lead to having sex with his fantasy woman.
Today, we will conclude this week's mini-Series on how to become a Husband by looking at sex...
WARNING: Today's post ought to be three posts, however, I don't want people to access this information in pieces because it is connected. Also, this information is not only intended for adults because of the topic (sex), but also because the implications will challenge commonly held man-made doctrines you may not have realized you possess. If you are not mature enough for this presentation, please review the first post in this mini-Series concerning how to be a Husband: God's Doctrine on Husbands. If you want to read this post in sections, I have marked the breaks with a Saturday section and a Sunday section.
HOW TO BE A HUSBAND: SEX
We've seen Men OUGHT to focus on causes regardless of the effects. We've seen how to categorize these causes as: Good, Not Bad, Bad, or Worst. We've seen Women OUGHT to create Profitable effects from these causes.
We've seen that Husbands OUGHT to initiate Fellowship with their Wife by taking an emotional risk. It is the cause of the greatest thrill a Man can experience. Women are attracted to Men who take an emotional risk, so the Wife's response (if she is excellent) will be to move towards her Husband. Since the Husband and Wife are at Fellowship...they are focused on being deeply known and deeply knowing another, the emotional risk is greatest between these spouses and the effect is sex. Sex OUGHT to be an effect of the greatest thrill a man can experience.
The reason the Husband can retain the buzz of having sex with the same woman is because he gives her the freedom to respond according to how she wants to respond...not how she has to respond.
We have covered this in a post titled, "Control or Freedom?". Here is an excerpt from the post titled, "Control of Freedom? (Conclusion)":
When two people become attracted to each other, they get a high that is indescribable. The CAUSE is that each person knows the other person WANTS to be with them. This results in an exhilarating feeling. So what is our man-made response to this feeling? Try to control it!
We desire to have this feeling, so we attempt to require the other person to keep doing what they had WANTED and CHOSEN to previously do…and the second we put this control and expectation on the attraction, we actually drain the Profitability from the attraction! We now don’t know if the person actually WANTS to be with us or HAS to be with us. The ONLY way to maintain that indescribable high is to not put any expectations or control on each other.
Think about it: the minute these two people view Marriage as an expectation or a source of control, ANY attraction from someone outside the marriage results in a greater feeling than what is experienced within the marriage! That is WHY people commit sexual sin outside of their marriage! The traditional church's Right-Wrong solution (control) actually encourages sexual sin!
How many times have you heard of two people living together for years, only to get divorced shortly after they got married? Is the “fear of commitment” that some people feel ACTUALLY coming from God? Said another way, Is God ACTUALLY telling people NOT to REQUIRE commitment from each other?
What OUGHT to happen?
We saw that males OUGHT to treat all Women the same. While we shouldn’t WORK to be different with ANYONE, we will end up being different with one person…the person that we get thousands of times more energy with than anyone else BECAUSE we share EVERYTHING with this person and they share EVERYTHING with us as an EFFECT of doing the First Command. This OUGHT to be THE SPOUSE.
The energy we get from this Fellowship BECAUSE God is flowing through us towards this person would result in an intimate physical expression that would be mind-blowing BECAUSE we are completely Open, Truthful, and Vulnerable with this person. It would be Sex with our fantasy man/woman! All other sex would be a Cause and the resulting purely physical act would look immature next to Sex with our fantasy mate!
The Effect of this is that BOTH spouses ENCOURAGE each other to be in Fellowship with others...even people of the opposite sex. Each person makes their spouse available to others. People in OUGHT Marriage are Excellent. Excellent people KNOW the Cause of the Fantasy Sex they are having is an Effect of KNOWING their spouse WANTS and DESIRES to be with them. Each person KNOWS that giving their spouse COMPLETE FREEDOM is the ONLY way to KNOW that the REASON their spouse is with them is because they CHOOSE to be with them. This is difficult. The flesh fights this. The ONLY way to achieve this is to have God do it through you...to be in Fellowship With God. This requires the person to become MORE excellent...to pursue growth.
This also results in more confidence and security in the marriage. Each person knows WHY they are with the other person. They know WHY the other person would or wouldn't leave. They know HOW to continue to make the marriage the MOST Profitable experience in both of their lives.
Why don't more people continue to give their spouse freedom and get to know them more?
Let's look at what happens in most marriages when it comes to getting to know each other better...
THE RESET BUTTON vs. REPAIR (SATURDAY)
Here's the scenario:
A Husband and Wife find themselves fighting about their new car. He wanted to use it to drive their oldest son and his friends to the gym. She wanted to know why. He took her question as opposition to his plan...so he gave her five reasons why. When she interrupted, he took this as disrespect and began to yell at her. She yelled back that he could take the car...and then she ran crying to the bedroom. The Husband felt justified, got the keys and took his son and friends to the gym.
Now, what do most Husbands and Wives do when the Husband comes home?
There are national pastors and ministers who teach about "The Reset Button". Basically, the couple should act like the confrontation never happened. Just forget about it. However, we've seen that this confrontation exists in the amygdalae of both spouses. This is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode again.
Couples know this. That is why the response today is to not only try to forget about this but also never talk about the new car again. Basically, the couple now has an area where their Sharing is limited. The couple doesn't Share about this encounter...or anything else that could be similar or allude to this confrontation.
Remember, Fellowship is SHARING. The equity of the Marriage is increased through Sharing. This couple must Share in order to grow their Marriage. However, this couple is now in a situation of "Sharing, Not Sharing". They are compelled to Share with each other by the Holy Spirit, yet they limit the Sharing in certain areas.
Worse, this was just one case. This couple has several of these Unprofitable confrontations each each year. After years of Marriage, this couple will find they have more areas they cannot Share in than areas they can Share in. Worse, these spouses will find a person of the opposite sex outside the Marriage to whom they can Share what appears like anything. Actually, they don't know if they can Share anything with this person. Actually, they know they can Share things they cannot Share with their spouse.
The Reset Button is a perfect example of Deception. It is IS. The result is Unprofitable. It has a Right WHAT: help the couple through their confrontation. However, the HOW and WHY are destructive. The Reset Button attempts to have both spouses NOT SHARE so that they don't ever experience the negative emotions. The reality is this strategy results in looking outside the Marriage for the buzz they have intentionally lost within the Marriage.
How OUGHT this situation be dealt with in order to make it Profitable?
Last year's Series showed that Matthew chapter 18 and Matthew chapter 19 document several Doctrines from Jesus that would Repair Church and Marriage today...and are completely ignored by our current "Christian" culture. Today, we literally do the OPPOSITE of Jesus' Words in these critical areas affecting God's Will.
Jesus commanded us to confront each other in order to Repair. Repair would result in more. Repair would increase the buzz. Why don't we want to do this?
The Husband would admit to the Wife that he gave her a Bad cause: he projected she was against his plan. The Husband would ask the Wife if she would like to replay the confrontation. Notice, this is Stepping In. Notice, this is the opposite of The Reset Button. If the Wife agreed, she would be Stepping In. If she didn't, then the Husband OUGHT to wait for when the Wife is ready to Step In...and let God deal with her.
If she Steps In, then the couple can Step Up. The Husband can tell the Wife he wants to take the new car to take their son and his friends to the gym. The Wife can ask why. The Husband can now give her a Good or Not Bad cause. He can ask her if she is against his plan? (Not Bad cause) He can ask her what he ought to do? (Good cause)
At this point, the Wife is going to say that she is not against his plan, she just wanted to talk with him because they didn't get time to talk during the evening. Her question was really an attempt to Share.
The Husband could then ask her why she interrupted him when he "Shared" his reasons why. (Good cause) Her response would be that his reasons were so fast she felt overwhelmed. She didn't feel like it was Sharing because she could barely comprehend each one. All she wanted was for him to slow down.
At this point, the Husband may realize he has a personal issue related to Respect. He interpreted her interruption as disrespect instead of an attempt to hear him.
Now what?
After both spouses Step Up, it is time to Step Through.
Notice, both spouses have learned something about themselves and learned something about the other. Perhaps it is something that no one else knows about them.
I have found in cases of True Repair, the Stepping Through results in what I call "The Double Adjustment". Both spouses will make an adjustment so that this situation won't happen again.
The Husband can ask her intent the next time he feels attacked instead of assuming she is opposing him.
The Wife can call a "time out" the next time she feels overwhelmed. Basically, she can say, "time out" and the Husband has to stop talking so she can ask questions to catch up. Her doing this is an admission that she is not able to keep up with the Husband.
The Husband had an issue with being heard. He felt disrespected when he is not heard. He may ask the Wife if she would be willing to let him continue his explanation once the "time out" is over. Since she wants to hear her Husband, she would smile, maybe with a twinkle in her eye, and say softly, "Yes..."
As much as this scene may lead to today's topic...it will definitely lead to sex the next time they have a disagreement. Why?
Because, the moment the Husband makes his adjustment, the Wife is going to feel affirmed. She is going to know her Husband remembered something she said. She is going to feel she is so important that he remembered something that was completely about her. She is going to feel a desire for him...
The Reset Button attempted to forget the confrontation and led to the couple looking outside the Marriage for Sharing.
The Double Adjustment actually recalls the previous confrontation and leads to the couple looking inside the Marriage to experience the effect of Sharing.
Furthermore, both spouses have remapped their Covenant partner as more excellent than they used to be. Both spouses are having sex with someone more excellent than before. The buzz can continually indefinitely with The Double Adjustment.
Even furthermore, the couple can avoid this negative confrontation in the future and encounter an even more negative situation!
What was your first response to that previous sentence?
Why did you have that response?
Remember, the reasons why we can have paradisiacal Marriage and Church on earth is because we are flawed. We can continually keep the buzz because we will always have areas to Repair. In fact, with every adjustment not only is the Husband affirming his Wife, he is widening the gap between himself and every other male in the world relative to being a world expert on his spouse.
I can tell you from personal experience that I have made over a dozen adjustments with my Wife...and I've told a couple of these adjustments and what I learned about my Wife to a group of men so that they could have more Profitable exchanges with my Wife. Why? Two reasons:
1) I'd rather have my Wife want to exchange with these excellent men instead of other males.
2) I want my Wife to want to be with me...not have to be with me.
When she has Profitable interactions with other Men and still chooses to be with me, that is the cause of the greatest feeling I can ever experience.
What is your objective?
"Control or Freedom?".
Control lessens the buzz and prevents my ability to have sex with the Fantasy Woman.
Freedom gives me the opportunity to keep the buzz and continue to have sex with the Fantasy Woman.
Let's conclude this week's mini-Series with some thoughts that will stretch most people...so be careful with the following.
GOD AND SEX (SUNDAY)
Calvinists believe God can do anything...even things that are Wrong and Unjust. They believe God chooses not to be Wrong or Unjust. This leads to the belief the future is predetermined...that God already decided who would be saved and who wouldn't. Basically, we don't willingly choose God.
This is the same as pornography...or more currently: a female robot. Basically, God is in complete control of our response.
How much joy do you think God gets from this situation? How much joy do you think an excellent male gets from pornography or having sex with a robot? Do you think God is an unexcellent male who is addicted to pornography?
God the Father cannot be Wrong or Unjust. God the Father cannot initiate His Will over our will. He responds to our will through Justice. Consequently, the one thing God cannot do that He desires most is: make us love Him.
God is exactly like the Excellent Man...He does the causes regardless of the effects. He gives to us regardless of whether we give back. He gives to us and allows us to created a Profitable effect from His causes.
God gives up control. (God allows us to be remapped in His Brain.)
God gives us freedom. (God responds through His Nature: Justice...because He can't do anything other than be Right and Just.)
The Ultimate Profitable Effect is to love the Lord thy God with all our being. This is a feeling God cannot get any other way...and the one feeling He desires most.
God the Father is focused on individuals.
"9 For the eyes of Jehovah run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him." (II Chronicles 16:9a)
If God has predetermined everything, why does He have to look for people whose heart is perfect towards Him? Why is He responding to these people?
What about Jesus?
Remember this excerpt from Modeling God's Wills?
Here is a verse that is a mind bender:
“Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)
What joy was set before Him? Heaven?
He was already in Heaven! He came down from Heaven! The joy that was set before Him has to be more than Heaven! We now know that Jesus is the Groom and that the joy that is set before Him is a wedding supper…it is a Bride!
We saw that God’s purpose was to make this Bride…a “Person” who can bring joy to Jesus…a “Person” of equal stature. Why will the Bride be able to give Jesus anything, let alone “joy”? Remember this passage from the chapter 2 on dispensations:
“And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.” (Genesis 11:6)
This passage, showing the only community that occurred before the Law, proves we as the Bride (Church) will be able to do anything we imagine if we are one, have one language, and imagine it together. That community in Genesis 11 focused on the physical because they did it without God. Imagine what a community of believers can do if they are one and have God flowing through them. This is not only true in Heaven, but on earth as well!
Jesus will experience this feeling for eternity from His Bride. Every cell in the Body of The Bride will choose to desire Jesus. This is the cause of the greatest feeling Jesus will ever experience.
Jesus will be focused on ALL the Believers (and only Believers) that every existed in unity for eternity.
What about The Holy Spirit?
Here is an excerpt from Modeling God's Wills:
Church and Marriage are the tangible examples we have of the Meaning of Life. Church OUGHT to be when the body assembles in order to have Fellowship with God. More specifically, Church OUGHT to be a precursor to Heaven. What does that look like? Let’s return to the passage from Ephesians 1:
“In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also, after that ye believed, ye were sealed with the holy Spirit of promise, which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, unto the praise of his glory.” (Ephesians 1:13-14)
“Earnest” in this passage is the Greek word “arrhabon” (#728) and it means “part of the purchase-money or property given in advance as security for the rest.”
“Earnest” means the Holy Spirit is the down payment of the Meaning of Life. The Holy Spirit is a token. “Earnest” is similar to the engagement ring. We also saw (Philippians 2) that we OUGHT to have Fellowship with the Holy Spirit. Remember, Fellowship means “sharing, pecuniary (money) benefit, intercourse”!
Church OUGHT to be intercourse with the Holy Spirit.
What does this intercourse look like? Remember, the Holy Spirit is God. It would take a body made up of unique cells in order to have intercourse with the Holy Spirit.
Is intercourse with the Holy Spirit exactly the same every week? Is that what excites us in our earthly marriages?
Intercourse with the Holy Spirit OUGHT to be an effect of the entire Church growing in Fellowship with itself and God. Church OUGHT to be an effect of spending time getting to know the Holy Spirit better, caressing the Holy Spirit, etc. More often than not, currently church IS obligatory, habitual, pre-planned, routine, passionless intercourse with the Holy Spirit.
Pastors OUGHT to be pushing their congregation to grow mentally. This means actively looking for areas where the congregation has blemishes on its doctrine and removing these areas with the Word.
Pastors OUGHT to be pushing their congregation to grow in Fellowship. This means rewarding people who actively emotionally share their imperfections with each other and repairing with the Word.
Pastors OUGHT to be pushing their congregation to grow in physical contact. This means incorporating significant time during the service for people to interact with each other in their uniqueness.
Pastors OUGHT to be pushing their congregation to grow spiritually. This means showing people how to hear more clearly and more often from God through grace.
Until this happens, Church will continue to be IS…focused on appearance and tradition. When the Church focuses on appearance during its interaction with God, it is the same as going to the bottom of the Marriage spectrum. This is fornication.
Jesus is the Jewish Bridegroom who has gone away to prepare a place for us. Jesus said that unless He went away the Holy Spirit could not come to us. Jesus will return one day. For now, the Holy Spirit is in charge.
The Holy Spirit is on all flesh (the living)...both Believers and Unbelievers.
The Holy Spirit is in the Believers who are currently living.
The Holy Spirit is focused on interacting with groups of Believers who are currently alive (even though Unbelievers may be present).
Are you okay? Do you need to take a breath and rest a moment? Was this too much?
If that wasn't enough to stretch you, here is a concluding thought...
We covered the difference between Groping vs. Loving Sex.
Groping Sex is when you touch someone for your benefit.
Loving Sex is when you touch someone for their benefit.
Notice, Fellowship Sharing with another for your benefit is similar to Groping Sex. Fellowship Sharing with another for their benefit is similar to Loving Sex.
During Sex, the Husband OUGHT to focus completely on touching his Wife for her benefit and not focus on his own benefit. Likewise, the Wife OUGHT to focus completely on touching her Husband for his benefit and not focus on her own benefit.
There isn't a better feeling in the world...
This is EXACTLY how God interacts with us.
He gives to us without thinking about what He is getting. Likewise, we OUGHT to give to God without thinking about what we are getting.
Unless you think God is controlling and manipulative...
Touching someone for your own benefit is not only selfish, it is manipulative and controlling. It is very similar to masturbation. Why do so many Husbands continue to masturbate? Because it IS the same effect as sex with their Wife. During both, the Husband is focusing on his getting his own benefit at the expense of another.
SUMMARY
Husbands OUGHT to be "Ultra Men". They OUGHT to have all of the characteristics of being a Man plus the ability to continually grow in intimacy with one Woman. This continual growth in intimacy with one Woman would result in the male achieving his mission statement: sex with the fantasy Woman.
We have seen the #1 ability required by a godly Husband is the ability to Repair.
Church and Marriage were given to us by God in order to bring about His Will on earth. The critical role in each Community is Pastor and Husband. Everything we've covered this week pertains to a Husband relative to his Wife as well as a Pastor relative to his church.
How well do Husbands and Pastors Repair?
Next week, we will look at how to be a Father...
Next Post
The mission statement for males is: have sex with "the fantasy woman".
The definition of fantasy woman is "the woman that he never gets tired of having sex with".
Our current national and "Christian" cultures prevent males from achieving their mission statement by focusing males on beauty and making the physical a cause. This actually encourages addiction to pornography.
God would want the Husband to focus on the mental, emotional, and spiritual attributes in order to remap his Wife which would lead to having sex with his fantasy woman.
Today, we will conclude this week's mini-Series on how to become a Husband by looking at sex...
WARNING: Today's post ought to be three posts, however, I don't want people to access this information in pieces because it is connected. Also, this information is not only intended for adults because of the topic (sex), but also because the implications will challenge commonly held man-made doctrines you may not have realized you possess. If you are not mature enough for this presentation, please review the first post in this mini-Series concerning how to be a Husband: God's Doctrine on Husbands. If you want to read this post in sections, I have marked the breaks with a Saturday section and a Sunday section.
HOW TO BE A HUSBAND: SEX
We've seen Men OUGHT to focus on causes regardless of the effects. We've seen how to categorize these causes as: Good, Not Bad, Bad, or Worst. We've seen Women OUGHT to create Profitable effects from these causes.
We've seen that Husbands OUGHT to initiate Fellowship with their Wife by taking an emotional risk. It is the cause of the greatest thrill a Man can experience. Women are attracted to Men who take an emotional risk, so the Wife's response (if she is excellent) will be to move towards her Husband. Since the Husband and Wife are at Fellowship...they are focused on being deeply known and deeply knowing another, the emotional risk is greatest between these spouses and the effect is sex. Sex OUGHT to be an effect of the greatest thrill a man can experience.
The reason the Husband can retain the buzz of having sex with the same woman is because he gives her the freedom to respond according to how she wants to respond...not how she has to respond.
We have covered this in a post titled, "Control or Freedom?". Here is an excerpt from the post titled, "Control of Freedom? (Conclusion)":
When two people become attracted to each other, they get a high that is indescribable. The CAUSE is that each person knows the other person WANTS to be with them. This results in an exhilarating feeling. So what is our man-made response to this feeling? Try to control it!
We desire to have this feeling, so we attempt to require the other person to keep doing what they had WANTED and CHOSEN to previously do…and the second we put this control and expectation on the attraction, we actually drain the Profitability from the attraction! We now don’t know if the person actually WANTS to be with us or HAS to be with us. The ONLY way to maintain that indescribable high is to not put any expectations or control on each other.
Think about it: the minute these two people view Marriage as an expectation or a source of control, ANY attraction from someone outside the marriage results in a greater feeling than what is experienced within the marriage! That is WHY people commit sexual sin outside of their marriage! The traditional church's Right-Wrong solution (control) actually encourages sexual sin!
How many times have you heard of two people living together for years, only to get divorced shortly after they got married? Is the “fear of commitment” that some people feel ACTUALLY coming from God? Said another way, Is God ACTUALLY telling people NOT to REQUIRE commitment from each other?
What OUGHT to happen?
We saw that males OUGHT to treat all Women the same. While we shouldn’t WORK to be different with ANYONE, we will end up being different with one person…the person that we get thousands of times more energy with than anyone else BECAUSE we share EVERYTHING with this person and they share EVERYTHING with us as an EFFECT of doing the First Command. This OUGHT to be THE SPOUSE.
The energy we get from this Fellowship BECAUSE God is flowing through us towards this person would result in an intimate physical expression that would be mind-blowing BECAUSE we are completely Open, Truthful, and Vulnerable with this person. It would be Sex with our fantasy man/woman! All other sex would be a Cause and the resulting purely physical act would look immature next to Sex with our fantasy mate!
The Effect of this is that BOTH spouses ENCOURAGE each other to be in Fellowship with others...even people of the opposite sex. Each person makes their spouse available to others. People in OUGHT Marriage are Excellent. Excellent people KNOW the Cause of the Fantasy Sex they are having is an Effect of KNOWING their spouse WANTS and DESIRES to be with them. Each person KNOWS that giving their spouse COMPLETE FREEDOM is the ONLY way to KNOW that the REASON their spouse is with them is because they CHOOSE to be with them. This is difficult. The flesh fights this. The ONLY way to achieve this is to have God do it through you...to be in Fellowship With God. This requires the person to become MORE excellent...to pursue growth.
This also results in more confidence and security in the marriage. Each person knows WHY they are with the other person. They know WHY the other person would or wouldn't leave. They know HOW to continue to make the marriage the MOST Profitable experience in both of their lives.
Why don't more people continue to give their spouse freedom and get to know them more?
Let's look at what happens in most marriages when it comes to getting to know each other better...
THE RESET BUTTON vs. REPAIR (SATURDAY)
Here's the scenario:
A Husband and Wife find themselves fighting about their new car. He wanted to use it to drive their oldest son and his friends to the gym. She wanted to know why. He took her question as opposition to his plan...so he gave her five reasons why. When she interrupted, he took this as disrespect and began to yell at her. She yelled back that he could take the car...and then she ran crying to the bedroom. The Husband felt justified, got the keys and took his son and friends to the gym.
Now, what do most Husbands and Wives do when the Husband comes home?
There are national pastors and ministers who teach about "The Reset Button". Basically, the couple should act like the confrontation never happened. Just forget about it. However, we've seen that this confrontation exists in the amygdalae of both spouses. This is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode again.
Couples know this. That is why the response today is to not only try to forget about this but also never talk about the new car again. Basically, the couple now has an area where their Sharing is limited. The couple doesn't Share about this encounter...or anything else that could be similar or allude to this confrontation.
Remember, Fellowship is SHARING. The equity of the Marriage is increased through Sharing. This couple must Share in order to grow their Marriage. However, this couple is now in a situation of "Sharing, Not Sharing". They are compelled to Share with each other by the Holy Spirit, yet they limit the Sharing in certain areas.
Worse, this was just one case. This couple has several of these Unprofitable confrontations each each year. After years of Marriage, this couple will find they have more areas they cannot Share in than areas they can Share in. Worse, these spouses will find a person of the opposite sex outside the Marriage to whom they can Share what appears like anything. Actually, they don't know if they can Share anything with this person. Actually, they know they can Share things they cannot Share with their spouse.
The Reset Button is a perfect example of Deception. It is IS. The result is Unprofitable. It has a Right WHAT: help the couple through their confrontation. However, the HOW and WHY are destructive. The Reset Button attempts to have both spouses NOT SHARE so that they don't ever experience the negative emotions. The reality is this strategy results in looking outside the Marriage for the buzz they have intentionally lost within the Marriage.
How OUGHT this situation be dealt with in order to make it Profitable?
Last year's Series showed that Matthew chapter 18 and Matthew chapter 19 document several Doctrines from Jesus that would Repair Church and Marriage today...and are completely ignored by our current "Christian" culture. Today, we literally do the OPPOSITE of Jesus' Words in these critical areas affecting God's Will.
Jesus commanded us to confront each other in order to Repair. Repair would result in more. Repair would increase the buzz. Why don't we want to do this?
The Husband would admit to the Wife that he gave her a Bad cause: he projected she was against his plan. The Husband would ask the Wife if she would like to replay the confrontation. Notice, this is Stepping In. Notice, this is the opposite of The Reset Button. If the Wife agreed, she would be Stepping In. If she didn't, then the Husband OUGHT to wait for when the Wife is ready to Step In...and let God deal with her.
If she Steps In, then the couple can Step Up. The Husband can tell the Wife he wants to take the new car to take their son and his friends to the gym. The Wife can ask why. The Husband can now give her a Good or Not Bad cause. He can ask her if she is against his plan? (Not Bad cause) He can ask her what he ought to do? (Good cause)
At this point, the Wife is going to say that she is not against his plan, she just wanted to talk with him because they didn't get time to talk during the evening. Her question was really an attempt to Share.
The Husband could then ask her why she interrupted him when he "Shared" his reasons why. (Good cause) Her response would be that his reasons were so fast she felt overwhelmed. She didn't feel like it was Sharing because she could barely comprehend each one. All she wanted was for him to slow down.
At this point, the Husband may realize he has a personal issue related to Respect. He interpreted her interruption as disrespect instead of an attempt to hear him.
Now what?
After both spouses Step Up, it is time to Step Through.
Notice, both spouses have learned something about themselves and learned something about the other. Perhaps it is something that no one else knows about them.
I have found in cases of True Repair, the Stepping Through results in what I call "The Double Adjustment". Both spouses will make an adjustment so that this situation won't happen again.
The Husband can ask her intent the next time he feels attacked instead of assuming she is opposing him.
The Wife can call a "time out" the next time she feels overwhelmed. Basically, she can say, "time out" and the Husband has to stop talking so she can ask questions to catch up. Her doing this is an admission that she is not able to keep up with the Husband.
The Husband had an issue with being heard. He felt disrespected when he is not heard. He may ask the Wife if she would be willing to let him continue his explanation once the "time out" is over. Since she wants to hear her Husband, she would smile, maybe with a twinkle in her eye, and say softly, "Yes..."
As much as this scene may lead to today's topic...it will definitely lead to sex the next time they have a disagreement. Why?
Because, the moment the Husband makes his adjustment, the Wife is going to feel affirmed. She is going to know her Husband remembered something she said. She is going to feel she is so important that he remembered something that was completely about her. She is going to feel a desire for him...
The Reset Button attempted to forget the confrontation and led to the couple looking outside the Marriage for Sharing.
The Double Adjustment actually recalls the previous confrontation and leads to the couple looking inside the Marriage to experience the effect of Sharing.
Furthermore, both spouses have remapped their Covenant partner as more excellent than they used to be. Both spouses are having sex with someone more excellent than before. The buzz can continually indefinitely with The Double Adjustment.
Even furthermore, the couple can avoid this negative confrontation in the future and encounter an even more negative situation!
What was your first response to that previous sentence?
Why did you have that response?
Remember, the reasons why we can have paradisiacal Marriage and Church on earth is because we are flawed. We can continually keep the buzz because we will always have areas to Repair. In fact, with every adjustment not only is the Husband affirming his Wife, he is widening the gap between himself and every other male in the world relative to being a world expert on his spouse.
I can tell you from personal experience that I have made over a dozen adjustments with my Wife...and I've told a couple of these adjustments and what I learned about my Wife to a group of men so that they could have more Profitable exchanges with my Wife. Why? Two reasons:
1) I'd rather have my Wife want to exchange with these excellent men instead of other males.
2) I want my Wife to want to be with me...not have to be with me.
When she has Profitable interactions with other Men and still chooses to be with me, that is the cause of the greatest feeling I can ever experience.
What is your objective?
"Control or Freedom?".
Control lessens the buzz and prevents my ability to have sex with the Fantasy Woman.
Freedom gives me the opportunity to keep the buzz and continue to have sex with the Fantasy Woman.
Let's conclude this week's mini-Series with some thoughts that will stretch most people...so be careful with the following.
GOD AND SEX (SUNDAY)
Calvinists believe God can do anything...even things that are Wrong and Unjust. They believe God chooses not to be Wrong or Unjust. This leads to the belief the future is predetermined...that God already decided who would be saved and who wouldn't. Basically, we don't willingly choose God.
This is the same as pornography...or more currently: a female robot. Basically, God is in complete control of our response.
How much joy do you think God gets from this situation? How much joy do you think an excellent male gets from pornography or having sex with a robot? Do you think God is an unexcellent male who is addicted to pornography?
God the Father cannot be Wrong or Unjust. God the Father cannot initiate His Will over our will. He responds to our will through Justice. Consequently, the one thing God cannot do that He desires most is: make us love Him.
God is exactly like the Excellent Man...He does the causes regardless of the effects. He gives to us regardless of whether we give back. He gives to us and allows us to created a Profitable effect from His causes.
God gives up control. (God allows us to be remapped in His Brain.)
God gives us freedom. (God responds through His Nature: Justice...because He can't do anything other than be Right and Just.)
The Ultimate Profitable Effect is to love the Lord thy God with all our being. This is a feeling God cannot get any other way...and the one feeling He desires most.
God the Father is focused on individuals.
"9 For the eyes of Jehovah run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him." (II Chronicles 16:9a)
If God has predetermined everything, why does He have to look for people whose heart is perfect towards Him? Why is He responding to these people?
What about Jesus?
Remember this excerpt from Modeling God's Wills?
Here is a verse that is a mind bender:
“Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)
What joy was set before Him? Heaven?
He was already in Heaven! He came down from Heaven! The joy that was set before Him has to be more than Heaven! We now know that Jesus is the Groom and that the joy that is set before Him is a wedding supper…it is a Bride!
We saw that God’s purpose was to make this Bride…a “Person” who can bring joy to Jesus…a “Person” of equal stature. Why will the Bride be able to give Jesus anything, let alone “joy”? Remember this passage from the chapter 2 on dispensations:
“And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.” (Genesis 11:6)
This passage, showing the only community that occurred before the Law, proves we as the Bride (Church) will be able to do anything we imagine if we are one, have one language, and imagine it together. That community in Genesis 11 focused on the physical because they did it without God. Imagine what a community of believers can do if they are one and have God flowing through them. This is not only true in Heaven, but on earth as well!
Jesus will experience this feeling for eternity from His Bride. Every cell in the Body of The Bride will choose to desire Jesus. This is the cause of the greatest feeling Jesus will ever experience.
Jesus will be focused on ALL the Believers (and only Believers) that every existed in unity for eternity.
What about The Holy Spirit?
Here is an excerpt from Modeling God's Wills:
Church and Marriage are the tangible examples we have of the Meaning of Life. Church OUGHT to be when the body assembles in order to have Fellowship with God. More specifically, Church OUGHT to be a precursor to Heaven. What does that look like? Let’s return to the passage from Ephesians 1:
“In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also, after that ye believed, ye were sealed with the holy Spirit of promise, which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, unto the praise of his glory.” (Ephesians 1:13-14)
“Earnest” in this passage is the Greek word “arrhabon” (#728) and it means “part of the purchase-money or property given in advance as security for the rest.”
“Earnest” means the Holy Spirit is the down payment of the Meaning of Life. The Holy Spirit is a token. “Earnest” is similar to the engagement ring. We also saw (Philippians 2) that we OUGHT to have Fellowship with the Holy Spirit. Remember, Fellowship means “sharing, pecuniary (money) benefit, intercourse”!
Church OUGHT to be intercourse with the Holy Spirit.
What does this intercourse look like? Remember, the Holy Spirit is God. It would take a body made up of unique cells in order to have intercourse with the Holy Spirit.
Is intercourse with the Holy Spirit exactly the same every week? Is that what excites us in our earthly marriages?
Intercourse with the Holy Spirit OUGHT to be an effect of the entire Church growing in Fellowship with itself and God. Church OUGHT to be an effect of spending time getting to know the Holy Spirit better, caressing the Holy Spirit, etc. More often than not, currently church IS obligatory, habitual, pre-planned, routine, passionless intercourse with the Holy Spirit.
Pastors OUGHT to be pushing their congregation to grow mentally. This means actively looking for areas where the congregation has blemishes on its doctrine and removing these areas with the Word.
Pastors OUGHT to be pushing their congregation to grow in Fellowship. This means rewarding people who actively emotionally share their imperfections with each other and repairing with the Word.
Pastors OUGHT to be pushing their congregation to grow in physical contact. This means incorporating significant time during the service for people to interact with each other in their uniqueness.
Pastors OUGHT to be pushing their congregation to grow spiritually. This means showing people how to hear more clearly and more often from God through grace.
Until this happens, Church will continue to be IS…focused on appearance and tradition. When the Church focuses on appearance during its interaction with God, it is the same as going to the bottom of the Marriage spectrum. This is fornication.
Jesus is the Jewish Bridegroom who has gone away to prepare a place for us. Jesus said that unless He went away the Holy Spirit could not come to us. Jesus will return one day. For now, the Holy Spirit is in charge.
The Holy Spirit is on all flesh (the living)...both Believers and Unbelievers.
The Holy Spirit is in the Believers who are currently living.
The Holy Spirit is focused on interacting with groups of Believers who are currently alive (even though Unbelievers may be present).
Are you okay? Do you need to take a breath and rest a moment? Was this too much?
If that wasn't enough to stretch you, here is a concluding thought...
We covered the difference between Groping vs. Loving Sex.
Groping Sex is when you touch someone for your benefit.
Loving Sex is when you touch someone for their benefit.
Notice, Fellowship Sharing with another for your benefit is similar to Groping Sex. Fellowship Sharing with another for their benefit is similar to Loving Sex.
During Sex, the Husband OUGHT to focus completely on touching his Wife for her benefit and not focus on his own benefit. Likewise, the Wife OUGHT to focus completely on touching her Husband for his benefit and not focus on her own benefit.
There isn't a better feeling in the world...
This is EXACTLY how God interacts with us.
He gives to us without thinking about what He is getting. Likewise, we OUGHT to give to God without thinking about what we are getting.
Unless you think God is controlling and manipulative...
Touching someone for your own benefit is not only selfish, it is manipulative and controlling. It is very similar to masturbation. Why do so many Husbands continue to masturbate? Because it IS the same effect as sex with their Wife. During both, the Husband is focusing on his getting his own benefit at the expense of another.
SUMMARY
Husbands OUGHT to be "Ultra Men". They OUGHT to have all of the characteristics of being a Man plus the ability to continually grow in intimacy with one Woman. This continual growth in intimacy with one Woman would result in the male achieving his mission statement: sex with the fantasy Woman.
We have seen the #1 ability required by a godly Husband is the ability to Repair.
Church and Marriage were given to us by God in order to bring about His Will on earth. The critical role in each Community is Pastor and Husband. Everything we've covered this week pertains to a Husband relative to his Wife as well as a Pastor relative to his church.
How well do Husbands and Pastors Repair?
Next week, we will look at how to be a Father...
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